April 22 8am - cryosurgery (liver)

I'm just waiting for them to pick me up for my procedure.  The "Please be fasting" sign on my bedside reminding me not to have the juicy ripe mango in the fridge.

TV - I'm watching too much.  A lot of TFC (The Filipino Channel).  One thing I do appreciate is that they sign off at 1am.  They play the national anthem and stop broadcasting.  That's unheard of in the US.  They want to be green?  How about signing-off TV stations for 4 hours at night?  Who watches infomercials anyway?  Is the cost (in dollars and environmental costs) really worth 24 hour entertainment?

I do miss the Philippines.  It's summer there now. (It's all I see on TV!)  Mangoes are ripe.  I miss sitting under the shade of another tree (Mango trees have a LOT of ants on them) while eating mangoes.  Sweet or sour.  While there's liempo (pork belly) on a grill nearby...  ooooohhhh!  FOOD TRIP!!! 

Or a dip in the beach.  Wonderful saltwater soothing the senses.  Fresh fish!  So fresh you can eat it raw!  You buy them from the fisherman directly!

Now, I am regretting not passing by Manila while I'm here in the area. But I'm glad I'll see my cousin Tel in Hong Kong if only for a few days. 

Actually, I don't regret it too much not going home at this time.  It's election season.  Philippine politics makes my skin crawl.

April 21 - wanderings

Tomorrow, I'll do more cryosurgery (liver metastasis).  So I'm fasting again starting midnight.  The doctor asked me today whether I was ready.  YES!  I'm feeling a tightness on my right side from the last cryo.  She said that the lung needs to be trained to expand fully.  She was happy to hear I was ready.

 

Today was the 3rd session of acupuncture.  I'm actually feeling more control in my fingers. 

Cost of 1 acupuncture session in the US = $100.  In China = $10.

 

For the first time today, I wandered out of my room.  I was searching for funny English signs.  I'm still compiling those.  I felt a little guilty for poking fun at their English but I wouldn't go anywhere else for cancer treatment.  That does not assuage my guilt but I still need my small amusements

April 20 - Please be fasting

I miss Facebook.  Really.  My network in my fingertips.  I didn't do much today.  I had an infusion of more antibiotics since my doctor was still hearing sounds when listening to my chest. Nothing on TV to distract me.  Just felt like a really long day.  The good news is that my body finally realized it's not chemo.  I was able to eat a little while doing the infusion.  No nausea.  Yay!

 

I have a blood test tomorrow morning.  There is a sign near my bed saying "Please be fasting".  No food or water from midnight onward.  Blood test is at 7am.

 

I had my second accupuncture treatment.  It didn't hurt too much today.  My body is starting to get used to it.

 

I started my herbal tea regimen.  The herb is called the caterpillar fungus (Cordyceps sinensis).  This is what the write-up says...

Cordyceps sinensis is a valuable herb in China, and together with ginseng and deer horn the three major Chinese herbs are known as tonic.  Chinese medicine practitioners believe that the Chinese caterpillar fungus will be absorbed into the lung and kidney meridian, nourishing both lung 'yin', and kidney 'yang'.  Mainly can treat kidney deficiency, impotence and wet dream (who wants to be rid of that?), waist and knee pain, post-disease sickness, weakness after a long period of cough with bloody sputum, spontaneous persperation.  This medicine is the only one that can balance both yin and yang.

 

People claim it is majical.  Since ancient times, it is known as "the grass of the Gods".

 

It really looks like little caterpillars.  Doesn't taste bad.  I'm not going to fantasize about an ice cream in this flavor but as teas go, it's alright.  According to the resident Chinese medicine practitioner, it compliments immunotherapy making it more effective.

April 19 - still recovering

I had more medications infused today.  No nausea but no appetite either.  Finished at 3pm and was eating a little bit at a time.  I developed a little bit of a cough.  Little bit of blood coming out.  They gave me a nebulizer.  Maybe tomorrow, an herbal tea.  The treatments are really a fusion of east and west.  They gave me an option to say no to any of the procedures but I'm willing to try it out.

 

An accupuncturist came to see me.  I told him about my neuropathy (numbness in hands and feet).  He did accupuncture with electricity (like a muscle stimulator connected to the needles).  It hurt a little.  He said that's to be expected if I'm not used to it.  I also had to get used to just needles last year when I did it in the US.  I'll be doing this everyday for a week then twice a week after that.  I had mentioned my interest in accupuncture before I got to see the guy.  The hospital did not insist on the therapy. 

 

Segs came to say hello (the Filipino nurse who is in the welcoming committee).  His name is Segundo (meaning "second") and he's got III tagged on his name.  I asked him your name is "The Second - The Third"?.  Yep.  Ok...  He's organizing a gathering for Filipino patients so we can socialize and share rides to church on Sunday.  I also need a recommendation for a good dumpling place nearby.  Hehehe...

 

He also said that the episode of "The Correspondents" featuring Fuda is available on YouTube.  Just search for Nestor Bonifacio.  It's mostly in Filipino but they show how the procedures are done.

 

There's nothing interesting on TV tonight.  There are only 6 channels.

1 - The Filipino Channel (ABS-CBN)

2 - NewsAsia

3 - National Geographic (Military Monday is on tonight)  :-(

4 - CNN (All about the Iceland eruption)

6 - Star Movies Asia (some B movie with Denise Richards and Neil Patrick Harris is on)

7 - hospital channel (news featuring the hospital - mostly in chinese.  They show "The Correspondents" episode regularly.)

 

I'm actually sleepy.  Looks like jet lag is finally letting go.  Hopefully, I'll sleep through the night.

April 17 - 18 - recovering from cryo

The weekend was pretty much the same.  Spent most of it in bed.  Most of the time tethered to some infusion bottle.  It's not chemo but antibiotics, anti-inflamatories... etc.  Unfortunately, my body is more difficult to convince.  I'm nauseous and I'm vomitting every so often.  I can't eat.  It's probably memories associated with infusion.  My body thinks it's chemo and it's reacting accordingly.  I'm trying to let go of the fear but it's difficult when you are then and there.  The doctor made the infusions go faster so that I was done by 4pm.  She says patients get meds 3 or 4 days after the procedure.  So, I may have 1 or 2 more days ahead of me.

 

When I'm not being infused, I feel fine.  Not much appetite but I can eat jello.  You know how in the US, after a procedure, they always feed you jello? 

 

Jello story:  Saturday morning, I asked Mom for some jello so she dressed and went to the nurse's station.  The doctors were having a stand-up meeting.  She goes in the middle and asks where she can get some jello.  Of course none of them know what jello is so, they Googled it!  After reading what it was, someone chimed, "My baby eats that!".  They wrote the chinese name down on a peice of paper.  Mom went to the grocery and got it.  When she returned, some doctors were still hanging around the nurse's station.  Mom showed them her bag of jello and told them, "I got it.  For my baby!"

 

Something funny happened on the way to x-ray. First thing Sat morning, a nurse came by to take me to the x-ray section downstairs. SOP for lung procedures to make sure there is no extra air or liquid in the lungs. (There was none.) Anyway, I needed to go to the toilet so I stood up. The nurse looked shocked. (This is significant in a later entry.)

When I was ready, I rode on my wheelchair. At the x-ray station, I stood up and next thing I knew, my pants fell to my knees. My nurse again was shocked and surprised. I really can't understand why they give me XL pjs. Not even for asian standards will I fit in those. Apparently, I did not draw the drawstring enough. My nurse did that for me and fixed me to look decent before leaving me at the x-ray station.

April 16 - Cryosurgery right lung posterior lobe

About 7 am, a nurse came in to draw blood.  I was dreading it since I was so dehydrated.  I had been fasting since midnight and I already had difficult veins (drawing blood from me is a pain).  Anyway, we pointed out the fact that I had a port (this circilar thing connected to my jugular making access to my blood stream a lot easier).  One look at it and the nurse left and came back with the necessary equipment.  They needed 60 ml of blood for immunotherapy culture.  2 huge syringes.  It took time but she got it.

 

Around 9am, they picked me up to bring me to cryosurgery.  I changed from my cute pjs to official hospital garb (didn't want to stain my stuff with betadine).  The hospital pjs were huge!  I was drowning in it.  One size fits all and they were thinking of big European men when they were making this (Rob could fit in it!). 

 

They had me lie on my tummy in a CT scanner.  They used the CT scan to position the cryo probes right at the tumor.  When they started the IV, they used my port. Phew!  Last thing I remembered was that the doc was poking me in the back then everyone left the room and the CT scanner started.  Next thing, (I thought no time had passed) I woke up in the same position and everyone was disconnecting me from IVs, monitors, etc...  Then they lifted me from the CT scan bed to another gurney and flipped me on my back - not quite like a pancake but carefully.  My brain was like - Then it must be over and I'm lying on my wounds!!!  Then I felt the soreness in my back.  Owie!!

 

Off to the ICU.  It was 11am.  Mostly, I slept through the pain.  They did start immunotherapy.  They injected me with CIC on the upper left arm in the ICU.  I was hungry and nauseous at the same time.  Must be the general anesthsia.  

 

Around 5pm, they took me back to my room.  It was good to see mom.  I knew she was nervous.  A nurse came in to do more immunotherapy shots on my left knee.

 

April 15 - Treatment plan

At 4pm, the doctor came in with the PET scan images/result.  It's official.  I'm Stage 4.  There is some metastasis in the liver.  Although, there is much improvement in the lungs.

 

Treatment Plan:

Apr 16 - Cryosurgery on lung (posterior lobe)

          - Immuno therapy - take 60 ml blood, culture 8 days then infuse back for 4 days.  Subcutaneous injection and accupuncture point injection with medicine which can improve immune function 4 times.

 

Apr 22 - cryosurgery and iodine seed implant on liver tumor

 

Apr 28 - cryosurgery and iodine seed implant on lung tumor (anterior lobe)

 

discharge: May 4  (estimate)

see Fuda Hospital site for more details on the treatments (www.orienttumor.com)

 

 

I'm super excited.  The liver metastasis does not faze me.  Mainly since there is a plan.  I have every confidence in my doctors.

 

I asked after discharge, what next?  I'll need a PET scan after 4 weeks or so.  Perfect. I was trying to get a scan before I left.  Insurance was giving me a hard time so it was postponed to May 29.  Perfect timing.  Then it all depends on the result of this scan.

April 14 - PET scan

They told me the day before that I'll have a PET scan today.  I can't have any sugar.  Only 2 boiled eggs in the morning and a pack of milk.  I was allowed water.

 

Being used to having PET scans, I knew I could not have any metal in my clothes (They did not tell us this before we left.  We were informed right before the test.)  I had my PET scan outfit on - t-shirt, sports bra (no clasp), garterized pants (no buttons or zippers).  Mom could not come since the shuttle was full.  There were 3 other patients.

 

It was done in another hospital about an hour away.  They fed us after the test.  I left the hospital at 11am.  Got back at 4pm.

 

I was still dealing with jet lag that night. 

April 13 - settling in

Didn't really do anything this day.  Mom changed some local currency.  A security officer escorted her and others to the bank.  They told us that in the future, we need only request for escort to the bank the day before.  She bought some fruit on the way back.

 

We also put in our security deposit (about $3K).  They give us a daily accounting of expenses.

 

Connected to the internet for the first time.  Banged my head against the great firewall.  No Facebook.  (I still get e-mail notifications so I read messages to me.)  No blog (blogger.com).  Blog workaround:  Blogger has this function where you can e-mail your posts for automatic posting.  I asked my cousin to help set this up.  Viola!  My cousin is also admin on xyzHopes and she updates the status.  (Thanks, Yas!!!)

 

I can access e-mail sites: google and yahoo.  Mom accessed her Hotmail.  I'm on chat via yahoo, skype and google.  I've got Trillian so I can monitor my chat accounts at the same time from one application.

 

Chat has helped me to deal with jet lag. (Thanks, Lisa!!!)  It helps to have friends in opposite time zones.

 

Food is amazing.  I'm describing hospital food.  The hospital is associated with a specific restaurant that delivers food to the rooms.  The nutritionist takes your order.  (You have the option to get from somewhere else or cook your own.  Since mom and I don't eat too much, we opted for their service.)  Tip: it helps to have your own utensils.  

 

April 11 - en route

The flight was delayed about 30 mins or so.  Thank goodness my connecting flight from Hong Kong to Guangzhou was also Cathay Pacific so they'd probably wait for us.  While waiting for our flight, I made last minute calls to friends and family to pass the time. 

 

The flight itself was alright.  It was very long.  14 hours.  We all had individual TV's with on-demand programming.  I watched It's Complicated.  I read most of the way.  Only got up once  - 4 hours from HK.  I should have gotten up more.  I was really stiff.  But there's not a lot of room.  It's really cramped.  And I'm really small already.

 

When we got to HK, the connecting flight was boarding already.  We were escorted to our gate.  There was only enough time to rush through security and walk really fast to our gate.  Thank goodness this flight was only 30 mins.

 

We arrived at Guangzhou at 11:30 pm (Apr 11) local time.  I was exhausted.  So was Mom.  It was a nice surprise to see a Filipino nurse in the Fuda welcoming committee.  At least I didn't have any languge barriers to hurdle after a long flight.  They met 9 patients at the airport that night.  Mostly Filipino.

 

It took a 30 minute bus ride (private bus) to the hospital.  There was no room assignment for me so mom and I were put in a shared room temporarily.  It was late, I was tired.  At that point any bed will do. 

 

The other patient we were sharing the room with was a Filipina from Cebu.  It was her second time.  She told me of her experience.  I also met some of the doctors.  They gave us a private room the next day.  Having your own bathroom makes ALL the difference.  I'm in the 7th floor in the new hospital.

April 10 - Stop over: SF

We arrived in San Francisco April 9 at 3pm.  My eldest brother picked us up.  I love San Fran.  Mainly because I have so much family there - so many wonderful memories.  It feels like home.  It's like I never left.  Even if I had not been there in 2 years. 

 

That afternoon, we did some last minute shopping.  I went to Half-Priced books to stock up on reading material for China.  Payless for comfy sandals.  My other brother met us for dinner.  It was an awesome re-union. 

 

The next day we all went to our cousin's baby's baptism at San Juan Bautista.  It's a 300 year old Spanish mission overlooking the San Andreas fault.  My Aunt loves this church and taught us all to appreciate it.  After the ceremony, the priest took me aside for Anointing of the Sick.  I was so happy to receive this sacrament right before I journey to the unknown.  The reception was in a local restaurant serving authentic Mexican food.  YUM!!

 

More shopping later at the Gilroy outlets.  Mom needed some shoes of her own.  I stayed in the car with the kiddies.  They had their game consoles and various toys.  I still got to talk to them about movies, school, etc...

 

We all went to Sunday mass as a family (Saturday vigil).  Then another cousin came to visit that night.  We were laughing until our guts burst!

 

The next day we had breakfast at IHOP near the airport.  That's a bit of a tradition in our family since it's the closest restaurant to the airport.  2 other cousins met us there.  More laughter ensued.

 

It was difficult for me to leave San Fran.  I just got there.  I miss the feeling of being ensconced in my family's embrace.

April 9 - Leaving On A Jetplane

To my utter amazement, I had enough funding to start my trip to China.  The outpouring of love and support from my friends and relatives has been (and continues to be) overwhelming.

 

One last hurdle, I expected my travel documents to arrive last week.  As of Apr 6, I was pulling my hair out in frustration.  I had planned to leave Apr 7!!!  I made an appointment with the right government agency.  After 3 appointments in as many days, I got my docs, called a travel agent and got the tickets.

 

Why did I use a travel agent?  I asked for open return tickets (where I can arrange the schedule of my return flights at a later date).  In as much as she couldn't give me that, she gave me refundable tickets.  If for any reason I needed to adjust my return trip, I need only to e-mail her and she'll take care of it.  Plus, I was still working full time and I had not packed yet so time was of the essence.

 

What about work?  I had always planned to work from China.  But it was logistically difficult to arrange.  So, my boss convinced me to take time off so I can concentrate on healing.  

 

Mom and I packed the night of April 8.  We were booked on the noon flight to San Francisco.  That Saturday happened to be when my cousin was having her baby baptized.  So we planned to spend the weekend with family in the west coast before heading to China.  I wanted to break up the trip so it wasn't so gruelling.

 

Since we made the travel arrangements at the very last minute, I didn't have a long goodbye with my hubby and daughter.  They had known the plan for a couple of weeks.  I had really planned to leave after Easter so I could get back before Burke's First Communion.  I left a big box of goodies (mix of candies and toys) for Burke.  She should get one goodie a day (much like an advent calendar) and that should last until my return.

 

And thank goodness for Burke's group of surrogate moms.  They organized a schedule to help Mike with after school care for Burke.  She was super thrilled to find out she would get play dates every school day!

 

That's the blur I left the East coast in.  I was trying not to think too much into the future because I had no idea what to expect in China.  Anyway, I needed to concentrate on the task at hand.  Too much to do in so little time.  The next thing I knew, I was kissing my family goodbye.  Leaving on a Jetplane was playing in the background in my head.

 

Deciding factor...

While I was wrestling with the decision to go to China, my college swim coach reached out to me with the following e-mail... (My interjections are italicized. - Thanks, Coach Anthony!!!)

---------------------------------------------------------

I was both sad and shocked to hear about Cheng's sickness from Ina because she was one of my hardworking swimmers before. I told Ina that she's such a work-horse and will never complain during a workout... I even told ina that she was the first "tri-athlete" i know even though that sport was not even invented yet when Cheng was with the Gators... She was so fit but medyo on the "healthy" side naman... (Yes, I was chunky.)
But the bright side is that Cheng is at the right place. At Fuda, they have a very good "healing rate" for individuals 50yrs. and under. Before you go to Fuda, be sure to stock-up on your toiletries(toilet paper, soap, etc.), towel, rice cooker, patis, toyo, (condiments) vinegar, etc.. It will be your 2nd home coz they will only provide for the room, bed, tv..just the basic amenities. Food is NOT INCLUDED even for the patient, but they have the contact nos. of the different restuarants(pizza hut, local chinese food restos, etc.) that will delivered to your room. Some are very cheap but some are a bit expensive. It really depends on the budget.

The first time we were there, we ordered our food from the restaurant which cooks only boiled food. Based on the literature that they had in our room, cancer is caused by the food that we eat that is why their method of preparing the food is cancer-free. Its even endorsed by Fuda. But as the days went by and we were able to learn how to ride the bus, we started to buy our food outside. This was much cheaper and had a lot of variety.. typical chinese cuisine-yumyum! They have a common kitchen per floor - but all it has was a wash basin and hot water dispenser. That's why we had to buy our own rice cooker which also doubles as our soup maker since we saw the chinese nurses using it this way. I don't know which Fuda you will be staying at. The "old" fuda is very near the "downtown" part of that area, and there are many eating places nearby. OR the "new fuda" where we stayed only had a few restos, but there is one which sells 2 viands plus rice for only 11rmb...

What we like about Fuda is that the patient to doctor ratio is very low. Unlike here in Manila where 1 doctor caters to hundreds of patients depending on how famous he is. There at Fuda, they have 5-7 doctors per floor! And each floor, I think, only hasw around 7-10 patients... Then every morning, the nurses and doctors make it a point to visit each patient as a group. I think daily at 8am we had 7 nurses in our room all reassuring my dad that he's gonna be fine. They even told jokes(in simple english) and this made my dad very happy. Then at around 9am, the doctors' group would arrive. Around 5 of them - it was like a "flag ceremony"...we can ask them anything about my dad's condition and they have the answers ready. Of course there will be a translator per floor just in case the doctors will have a hard time talking to us in english...our translator was an Indonesian married to a Chinese. She's very sweet and very helpful... Sometimes she would even get us what we need.

We also had to do our own laundry "by hand" as there was no washing machine available in our room. Only the suites had the washing machines available in the rooms. Since we were on a tight budget, we had to hand-wash our clothes. Do get a room which has a balcony where you could hang your clothes. I think we paid 360rmb/day for that room. They already have a place to hang your clothes there as they don't have machine-dryers there also...everything "air-dry" .
They have internet connection in the room at 10rmb per day but its not "high speed"...your Magic Jack will not work properly. The voice will be choppy and garbled because of the slow speed...no wi-fi also...i will email you (our nurse's) email ad so that you can already communicate with her even before you arrive...

xyzHopes

Hi, I'm xyz. I'm 35 years old, married, mother to a 7 year old daughter.

Feb 2006, I was diagnosed with Stage 3b Non-Small Cell Lung Cancer despite the fact that I never smoked. For four years now, I've been going through chemotherapy. I've tried all the FDA approved drugs. When this therapy looses effectivity, my next option is to re-use the drugs I've used before. It's less likely that they'll cure me since they didn't the first time.

Knowing this, I looked around for other options. I found a cancer hospital in China that has been quite effective in helping metastatic cancer. I did my research. I actually talked to a couple of patients who have been there. I also corresponded with the hospital via e-mail. I'd like to try their therapy.

Needless to say, my insurance will not cover this treatment. I need about $30,000 for this trip. Here are ways you could help:

1) Breathe T-shirts
I'm selling T-shirts that say "Breathe". To remind everyone what a privilege each breath is.

2) Ebay Auctions (still setting this up)

3) send paypal donations to: xyzHopes@gmail.com
If you want to send me a check directly, e-mail me and I'll consider giving you my address. :-)

4) Join my Facebook page (search for xyzHopes) or visit my webpage

5) Help me spread the word via Facebook, Twitter, e-mail and word of mouth.

Prayers (or good healing vibes sent my way) are also very much appreciated.

Thank you so much for your help. I pray that you may be blessed a hundred-fold for your generosity of spirit.

More details on Fuda

I've been corresponding with Fuda via e-mail and I like what I read.

Here’s some background on Fuda Cancer Center.

Site: http://www.orienttumor.com/en_asp_new/index.asp

Location: Guangzhou, China



Proposed treatment:

1. Cryo surgery-Cryo surgery is a method to freeze the tumor directly. We can use it for primary cancer and the metastasis. If the tumor near the big artery or important organ, it is dangerous to do the cryo surgery. We will give iodine seeds implantation instead. Iodine seeds implantation is one kind of local radiation inside the tumor.

2. Local chemo-Local chemo uses a tube to look for the artery, which supply the tumor. Then we inject the chemo medicine directly inside the tumor. Its' does is less than general chemo,but the side effect is less than general chemo. And chemo medicine can work much better inside the tumor.

3. Immunotherapy-Immunotherapy is the treatment for the whole body. We use different ways together. First, subcutaneous injection with multiple nonspecific vaccine; second, injection ad acumen with Interleukin-2; third, DC+CTL cells immunotherapy; fourth, some medicine orally. The treatment is especially good for preventing metastasis and recurrence, slowing the growth of cancer, improving general health, and boosting the immune system after the effects of chemo therapy.
DC+CTL cell immunotherapy; Four times Subcutaneous injection with multiple nonspecific vaccine and injectio ad acumen with Interleukin-2. Take low dose Naltrexone 2.5mg (antagonist of recipient of opioid ) orally every day for two months.


Typically 3-4 weeks.

Target travel date: April

Estimated cost: $25,000

Next step: fund raising

A New Hope

I've been gone mostly because everything has been pretty much the same.
Week 1: Heavy treatment (Cisplatin). Feel terrible. Nausea. Fatigue. Vomiting (that's improved a little over time).
Week 2 and 3: Mondays feel blech. Navalbine. Feel better Tue onward.
Week 4: breather
start over

Through it all, life has still been wonderful. Another Christmas season... another new year. How long can I keep this up?

I'm on my 5th regimen. According to my doctor, there are no more FDA approved regimens after this. Note: insurance only pays for FDA approved regimens. She might be able to find another from the archives, but that means older drugs...

Drugs don't stay effective forever. I was on Alimta/Avastin for a year and a half before that regimen started loosing efficacy. I've just passed my 1 year mark with Cisplatin/Navalbine last Dec.

Early in December, my brother told me he saw this news article in The Filipino Channel (TFC - ABS-CBN) about Fuda Cancer Center in China. They supposedly have been successful with metastatic cancer without using traditional chemotherapy.

Hope is never lost

I got a LOT of feedback about my last post. I got e-mails, FaceBook messages, calls all of love, prayers and encouragement. I want to thank everyone who just re-doubled their prayers.

I'm much better now. Saturday was the worst of it. I've slowly improved since then. (Big shoutout to my MOM!!!) I just wanted to share with everyone what was going on in my head at the darkest of times. Please be assured that in as much as I sometimes go there, I don't live there. I'm just telling you that there are times of weakness but even at the bleakest of times, I have never given up on my life or on my faith.

UPDATE: I've told my doctor about my neuropathy (pins and needles on my hands and feet). We're scheduling another PET scan in the next couple of weeks. She says it's to check if we can scale back the treatments. I'm just visualizing a clear PET scan. I'm opening myself to the possibility of this miracle. (Dean, you're comment just encouraged me!!!)

Again, Thank you, all!!! Please don't stop believing. I believe I will have my miracle soon.

Tired in body and spirit

That is what I posted in Facebook yesterday. I knew I'd get a lot of prayers and love my way (and I did).

Yes, I had another treatment. Was it difficult? Yes. Not more difficult than others. I had nausea. Not much actual vomiting. Major fatigue. The new thing is this neurotoxicity. I feel pins and needles in the ends of my fingers and the bottoms of my feet. I've never felt that before. The doctor has told me about it. In almost four years, and this is the first time I'm feeling it.

It does scare me. I'm just scared that my body cannot recover as it used to. It seems there is so much toxins in my body that I'm having trouble clearing. I'm going to try an epsom salt bath. Although I was warned that since I'm so depleted, I shouldn't stay too long.

My accupuncturist was a great help yesterday. He listened as I told him how tired I was. I did not know he was also a homeopath. He gave me some good stuff that uplifted the spirit.

-----------------------------

Let me share how bad it got yesterday for me to type my Facebook plea. I don't like feeling this way... down and depleted. I fight with prayers and positivity and I reach out to friends and family who lift me up. (Cowsin!!!)

I've learned that even if I don't like that I feel negative, I need to express it and acknowledge it then let it go.

-------------------------

I'm tired of chemo. I don't want to do it anymore. It would be a little easier if there was an end in sight, but I'm on an indefinite treatment. And now this neurotoxicity...

It feels like there is a heavy load on my body that keeps getting heavier every treatment. It squashes my spirit. It's easy to be positive when you are feeling good. But I'm tired... very tired...

You know that I cannot stand to be in my doctor's office? That space is so offensive to me, the thought of me having to be there just makes my stomach heave. Even now that I'm writing about it, I can smell the fumes. But I'll have to talk to her soon. I'll probably invite her outside.

I'm tired of having to be strong. I don't have anything left. All I can do is offer it up since I have nothing left.

Big splash

Today is Burke's 7th birthday and we had a pool party. We all had lots of fun. We had the whole place to ourselves. There was a big slide, a small wading pool, a big pool and a hot tub. We had a lot of friends help make it a great party.

Yes, I was able to swim. My wound had dried up enough for me to get in the water. I wasn't in the water long. Really, it was just to catch Burke as she came down the slide. But I loved it. I've missed the water. I used to swim competitively when I was young. It was really killing me that I could not get in the water to teach Burke. Now I can.

Less of a cyborg

In November, they put in a PleurX catheter in my lung to help with the gathering liquid. Since then, I have not been able to draw much liquid at all. Since my PET scan showed vast improvement last April, it was decided that the catheter can be removed.

Yesterday, it was taken out. It was just an outpatient procedure.

I remember last November, when they had just put it in, I told myself, this will not stay long. I want to swim in the summer. Guess what, folks... I'll be in a bathing suit before long.