Surgery details

Here's what happened to me last November/December....

November (my surgery)
They were supposed to perform a pleurodesis - fuse the lung wall to the chest wall to prevent liquid from accumulating. When I came to, they told me they did not get to do the pleurodesis. There was diseased cells on the chest wall. Instead, I have a catheter.

It's the latest in catheter technology. I'm not connected to a bag. It's only a hose. I connect it to a vacuum bottle whenever I need to drain my lung.

Am I pissed? Hell, yea! But it is what it is...

December (next step in treatment)
My oncologist was looking around for my next cocktail since the last one (Avastin/Alimta combo) stopped working. At this point, she's told me that I've taken all the best medication for lung cancer out there. I'm running out of options. I thought I'd check out Johns Hopkins and see what they had to offer. (BTW, thanks to Kathy and Justin for hooking me up!)

I looked into their clinical trials. Unfortunately, they do not cover all costs. They usually ask insurance to cover "regular care". My insurance will not cover any procedure connected to anything experimental. So, nix that.

Good thing my oncologist found one more older drug - Navalbene. We're to use it in conjunction with Cisplatin. I've taken Cisplatin before. It's one of my first drugs. My first combo was Cisplatin and Taxotere. That really wiped me out. It also wiped out my hair. I took it the first 3 months and did not work much at the time.

How am I doing on it now? I've been on 2 miserable cycles. It takes me 9 to 10 days to recover. The nausea is terrible. I can't eat so I'm very weak. My doctor says it's only supposed to last 5 days. She's given me more anti-nausea pills for this next cycle. (I've also been going to an accupuncturinst.) Hopefully, we can reduce the nausea and generally bad effects to 5 days.

Despite it all, I'm still optimistic. There has to be a way through this. What won't kill you will only make you stronger. And I intend to win this.

Excuse my lapse

And again, I have fallen off the blogging wagon.

Since my last entry, here's the latest. I'm making it short and sweet and I will go back and fill in the details later.

Aug 20 - last entry
Aug 28 - next chemo cycle under the new insurance
Sep 10 - CT scan as a baseline to watch if the fluid in the lungs come back (remember I had it extracted in July)
Sep 16 - CT results - I have fluid again (more than before) that needs extraction ASAP
OCT 20 - extract fluid from lung (yes, that's what ASAP means)
OCT 21 - PET scan
OCT 22 - another chemo cycle ends (no results yet from the scan). What my doc told me was reassuring though, "Whatever the result of the scan, you are doing really well and you are feeling good. We will try to keep that going for as long as possible. If the result is good, we will continue as is. If not, we'll do something else. Don't worry too much about it." I really took that to heart.
OCT 29 - another chemo cycle starts. PET scan results are bad. Tumor grew and spread.
OCT 31 - talked to lung doctor who prescribes pleurodesis (seal the space between lung and chest wall to avoid fluid collecting)
Nov 1 - My cousin refers me to a friend of hers who is a lung cancer researcher for Johns Hopkins in Baltimore. Start researching on an interesting clinical trial.
Nov 17 - first visit to Johns Hopkins.
Nov 20 - Pleurodesis

I've skipped a lot of detail and I'll go back to fill it in.

Insurance - SURE it is!

Our company decided to switch insurance providers this year (first time in 3 years). That took effect on the first of this month. That first week, I had chemo scheduled. While the doctor was hooking me up, I chatted with him and told him about the insurance switch.

Good thing he hadn't hooked me up yet (He was about to. The needle was ready - all he had to do was pierce) or I would have had to pay for it out of pocket since you need pre-authorization for chemo.

We tried to call everyone. HR in our company had not yet submitted our papers since the decision was made close to the switch date. I knew I could not get authorization until at least 2 days after we were in the system. I finally got my insurance card on the 15th. Unfortunately, my doctor was gone this week and I had a conference to attend out of town.

I faxed my doctor's office my new card so they can get the authorization done. Best case scenario, I'll get treatment next week.

I was off treatment for 3 whole weeks. I'm happy and grateful for the break but I'm starting to get nervous. I notice every single ache and pain. I'm doing all my energy healing just to calm me down but I want to be back in treatment. (Never thought I'd say that.) But I know that it's keeping me alive and in good shape.

The title is whiney about insurance, I know I would never afford the treatments on my own. (Who can?) It's just really darned inconvenient when all medical procedures have to stop and wait for paperwork. I work for a software company. Information is supposed to pass faster than 3 weeks (OK, 2 weeks - the third week was separate conferences that were scheduled in advanced for me and my doc). Good thing it's not a matter of life and death. Oh, wait a minute...

Moving in

I thought we had it planned so well. We got the house one whole month before we had to get out of our apartment. We were slowly bringing stuff over every night and weekend. By the time we actually had to move out, we still had a LOT of stuff. Where did this stuff come from? When Kel and I moved here in 2001, we just had 2 suitcases each. Now, we had to hire movers???

The first couple of days, I couldn't even find my shoes. I was going to work in my slippers. At least, Kel had his sandals. He dressed them up with socks hoping no one would notice. Well, it is summer. And for the next couple of weeks, it was a mad hunt for the little things. We couldn't find the rice cooker - take note: it had cooked rice in it. It took two days of opening boxes and life-size Tetris to find it. It wasn't edible when we did, but at least it didn't stink - yet - too much. I couldn't find our pool passess either. (Found them the Monday after the pools closed for the summer. Bummer!)

Little by little, we got things organized. I lost about 10 pounds just hauling stuff up and down those stairs. Don't worry, I gained them back. (sigh).

For a litte while, we didn't have TV. The cable guy came and hooked us up only to find that he only hooked up the basement. Kel had to figure out how the wiring went up to the living room. Now, we're truly hooked up.

I miss the days that we didn't have TV. I thought Burke would drive us bonkers but she found ways to entertain herself. We played board games or her toys (we love Magnetix - it's something we all play). I actually got things done around the house (Well, I don't think I could have lasted so long going to work in my slippers). More on this in a later article...

My proudest achievement was painting Burke's room. (Now I know why they call it painting - it's such a PAIN!) Early on, I asked her what color she wanted. "Rainbow!!!" was the enthusiastic answer. After thinking about it for some time, I knew I didn't want to sign up to do a mural in her room. I negotiated with rainbow polka-dots. It was truly worth the effort. (That is staying up there until she can paint over it herself.)



We're still settling in. The basement is still a mess. (That's one of the reasons why I can't host my house-warming yet since that's the only way to the backyard.) The couch isn't here yet. We have yet to figure out our daily routines and just how to live in our house. We've got time.

Our house

It's officially our house now. We just came back from the settlement where we signed our lives away (at least the next 30 years). It was smooth and we did it during lunch.

Can't thank everyone enough!!!
Everyone for the love and support
Freddie and Diday (plus the Aromins) for helping out with the paperwork.
Most especially MOM!!! We could not have done this without you.

Another Cycle - 06/25/2008

This cycle wasn't too bad. On the day itself, I was still able to eat. Even dinner. Usually, by that time my tastebuds had gone and left me but this time, they stayed a little longer.

The next day, they'd left. I was barely able to drink my medication in the morning. The water already bothered me. So I forced my self to drink as much as I could since I didn't know when I'd be able to drink next.

Lunch time, I tried to eat Shaking Beef (one of my favorite dishes from our local Vietnamese restaurant). No can do. I had one bite, and it just didn't settle well.

I did get to go to the office. I worked all day. So, I was a little fatigued but not too much. I was thirsty but just could not drink. The worst part was having to barf in my trashcan at my desk. The first episode, I was on the phone. Good thing that was a quick one. The second episode later in the afternoon was bad. Couple it with the fact that I could not drink water. Cough drops had to do.

It's late now. I had just had some watered down milk and Milo. My stomach seems to be taking it well.

Can I just say something about the Milo here? It's not instant. You have to mix it in a hot liquid. I tried just putting it in cold milk and it came out lumpy. I had to nuke it a bit. That's shocking to me since in Manila, Milo is instant. Meaning it dissolves in cold liquid. What's up with that, Nestle?

Enough ranting. I'm still thankful for the Milo. It's the first liquid in my system that my body didn't reject. I'm so dehydrated, it's not funny anymore. If only I could take water intravenously without having to go to the doctor.

Didn't have headaches this time. Whoopie!

James Taylor LIVE

Kel and I just got to see James Taylor LIVE! It was awesome! First of all, we're not concert going folk but we love good live music. That was great music. He sounds just like he did on Mellow Touch.

The venue was just fabulous as well. It was held in WolfTrap's Filene center. It's an open theater made of wood. It was open-air. Good thing it was a beautiful night. Not too muggy or steamy. It had just rained. There was a nice cool breeze.

It was one of the most fun dates we've had in years. I have to thank my friend, Gayle, for the wonderful tickets.

PET Scan results (6/16/2008)

I had a PET scan done yesterday and my doctor got a preliminary report today.
Bottom line: It's stable. It's almost the same as the last scan. She's very happy which makes me happy.

I'm not changing my medications in any way. I'll still be taking my Alimta/Avastin combo.

The scan did show that I might have some fluid in my right lung. I'm seeing my lung doctor next week to have it drained. (Does not sound fun but I'll handle it.)

Don't get me wrong, I'm fine with these results. I'm living a normal life and this means I'll keep my lifestyle despite the cancer. Whenever I get scanned, I always try to envision the best case scenario. I let it play in my head willing it to come true. I envision my doctor telling me that it's gone and I don't have to do chemo anymore.

But it's not time yet. It'll come though. I believe it.
Please keep praying for me and believing in my recovery.
For those who keep the faith, Thanks! It really helps to have the spirit of many behind me.

Feng shui-ed

While waiting to actually buy the new home, I've been thinking of how to decorate it. Then I came across this book a friend of mine gave me a while back. Practical Feng Shui.

It's interesting. They suggest orientation of things in your home for balance of energy in your life. It doesn't all make sense but it's fun. I'm taking it all with a grain of salt.

One of the first things you need to know about yourself is your Chinese astrological sign. I'm a Wood Rabbit. I started to research about my sign and here's what I've found.

(1)
WOOD RABBIT Astrology Feb 14, 1915 to Feb 2, 1916 Feb 11, 1975 to Jan 30, 1976
Wood rabbit people are very quite and warm people. Power and solitude pull them on two sides. Luck always walks along with them but they never take rash decisions or unwisely steps. They are generally cautious, conservative and bright people. Wood rabbits always earn deep respect and admiration from others. They have a philosophical bend of mind and love to read and indulge in music and art. But as far as their finances go, they have to keep a very strict check on it. Wood rabbits are big spenders and hardly have anything saved for tougher days. As far as their love lives are concerned, they are very romantic and flatter their sweetheart with all types of gifts and surprises.

(2) (something is lost in translation here)
There is no particular big favorable star in your constellation except Taiyin star (good star) in 2008. Taiyin has one meaning of female, which means that you can get supports from female. So you will be beneficial from the help of nice female in your work. However, the Chi of this auspicious star is too insignificant to develop very well because it does not have any sustaining stars around it. Besides, Rabbit people have tortures from Taisui, which will bring you villain and cause troubles and entanglements on your relationship. Insomnia, anxiety and bad temper happen to you from time to time. Relax yourself and learn how to get rid of pressure. Carrying along a jade kuan yin pendant prevents you from tension and troublemakers around you.

New House

Just bought a new house. It's our first house. Yes, I'm very excited.

Everything has been smooth so far. Hopefully, this continues until we get settled in. As soon as the finances were in order, I told my realtor I wanted to buy a house the first day we went out looking. We scoped out some houses that looked good on paper. Reality can shine a harsh light sometimes. Good thing we came across this newly renovated, move-in ready townhome that had just got listed that morning. I insisted we write the contract immediately. We were the first one to give an offer on the house (but not the only ones).

We've had the house inspected and it was alright. Nothing major.

We close at the end of the month. June seems to be crawling by at a snail's pace.

Elementally out of tune...

The character in the latest book I'm reading is so used to working outdoors. The author noted that he did not need a watch to know it was the end of the workday. They just knew by the angle of the sun and how the surroundings looked. He is in tune with the elements.

I remember being like that back where I grew up. Just by the way the sun shines, you can sort of tell the time. I might be off by an hour or so, but it was always close enough. It was not an uncommon skill. We were in the tropics. The days were relatively uniform. The sun would rise just before 6 am in the summer and just before 7 am in December. Less than an hour difference. Same with the sunset.

Now, I am higher in latitude and in the opposite side of the world. Here there are 4 seasons. There is such a difference in the length of the day in the summer vs. the winter. The sun looks so different in every season. If you're from the Philippines, I would describe the sunshine always looking like the morning rays. It never has that intense afternoon rays even as it sets. It may be the latitude. It's the same in the west coast.

That's why I can't tell time by the rays of the sun anymore. There is no distiction between morning and afternoon rays. I need to see the position of the sun. And since the length of days are so varied throughout the year, position is not necessarily the same. I really need a watch or some other time piece.

So, why is it that I don't wear a watch?

That's why they call it CYCLE.

I had another cycle last week. Yes, it was worse than usual. But what does that mean exactly? Well, I was able to work Wed to Fri. Then I got this terrible headache around Friday afternoon. I spent most of Saturday sleeping it off.

My friend did energy healing on me. She warned me that a lot of bad energy is flowing out. That's good for me in the long run but it was going to be rough for a little while. That little while lasted about 5 or 6 more hours. It was just a bad headache and aches and pains in different places. When I woke up the next day, I felt that the worst was over. I took Monday and Tuesday off to recover from my weekend.

Since then, I was just burried in work. As usual...

I'm alright, until my next cycle.

My skin is clearing

Today, I had someone compliment my skin. She actually said that my pimples are clearing up. I was actually surprised. I've been noticing that for a couple of months now. But I would notice it after my shower. I thought the bath would refresh my skin and give it a nice glow. That's after almost one whole year of being off Tarceva. (Feb - May 07 --> check out my articles during that time for more gory details.)

My complimentary co-worker just started a few months back so she does not know of my lung cancer. It's just been awkward to talk about it - since it isn't so obvious. I know I ought to be spreading the word but... (ah, yes, guilt, an old friend).

I guess that's what's this blog is about. I'm not sure who else reads it though. Maybe I should just publish my blog e-mail so I'll get more feedback. No one seems to be commenting lately (that' s not a hint).

What is this blog about? It's about my normal life. Well, it's very close to normal. If you don't count chemotherapy. That's the only aberration.

But if I'm not spreading the word around people I know, what's the point, right? I'm not in the least a pushy person. (I'm not a pushy?)

That's what this blog is for. So I can say what I won't in real life. Wow, that does NOT sound like me at all. Back in high school and college, I would say whatever I wanted to. Now, I can't talk about my illness or even my sex life. But, I guess, I felt that people back home are more accepting. (Sounds like a good topic for the future.)

Tales from the International Aisle

We were wandering in our favorite Asian Grocery when we stumbled upon many interesting items.

On sale up front was some chocolate flavored biscuits.
Brand name: OH, YES!!! Imagine over the loud speaker, "Price check on OH, YES!!!"

I was looking for a Filipino sweet made from coconuts (macapuno).
On the label: "Mutant Coconut". Sounds really appetizing!

My favorite: A latino brand of broth labeled -- Soup: Cock flavored.
Now that's marketing.

poetry... shmoetry

I dislike poetry. I try to avoid it, if possible. I'm more of a prose kind of girl. Not just the hot and steamy kind, just prose in general. Why? Because poetry leads to war.

Think about it. Poetry is extremely subjective. A line of poetry may by interpreted in many different ways. That can only lead to misunderstanding. And we all know that war could possibly be brought about by misunderstanding / miscommunication.

If you're gonna say something, say it straight. Say it in prose! That's why they don't make laws in poetry. Or the news...

Every single day, he brought us the mail
Letters, Bills, Fliers and Sales
We did not realize he was so resentful
Today, he just decided to go postal

Yes, my poetry is atrocious! It's direct. No hidden meanings. And it rhymes (which is the worst part). Maybe that's why I dislike it so. How many times (especially in high school) has someone had you read their poetry? And it was bad? I mean, I make bad poetry, but I've read much worse. It's very difficult to critique poetry. Since it means so much to the writer. It just would be rare that I would connect to a poem. Maybe it's not poetry... Maybe it's me... (I seriously doubt that but I'll leave the possibility open.)

Ever read Lord of the Rings? Did you read through all that poetry? Honestly.

blog.. blog.. blog... (blah... blah.. blah..)

I'm not feeling particularly funny today. Work was blah... I mean, typical of work, it was extremely hectic... I've got tons of stuff on my plate. So I've decided not to ever write about work again since it's just blah...

Now, about my co-workers... Just kidding...

I've been exploring other blogs to see what makes a good blog. They advise you to talk about a specific topic. You should have a target audience. I saw this blogger who had 3 blogs: One about food, another on her workout routine and a thrid one that was her "personal" blog.

I tried doing a strictly cancer one. That didn't turn out so well. Notice there's no entries between July 07 and Feb 08. I can't dwell on my illness. It's depressing. I can't keep researching about it either -- same reason.

I am trying out alternative therapies. I'm doing Reiki and other energy healing. It's just weird though. I shouldn't say that. It's really had a profound effect on my life as a whole so it's hard to put into words. (Who's eloquent now?) Maybe I'm not ready to talk about it yet.

I have decided to take formal Reiki classes after 2 years of being on the receiving end of it. I'm just curious to see how it is on the giving side.

I had treatment today (More details on my treatment in A truly happy birthday). I had Avastin so it's a light day. I was in the doc's office in the morning and at work by 11am. No side effects. The heavy treatment will be coming up next Tue. But I expect to work even that afternoon and just work through the discomfort. It's not too bad. I'd feel worse if I took the day off and get an enormous amount of e-mail and tasks... (That's about work so ...)

Back to the blog... One blog is good. Every other day seems to be a good rate. I can't guarantee to be always funny but I surely will try.

wax profane

Last night or very early this morning, like 2 a.m., I was working (note it is Sunday). I was furiously sending an e-mail. I was extremely frustrated about the whole situation so I just caved in. (Much more about this situation that I'm not willing to divulge to the public.) The last sentence on the e-mail read,

"If the package is acceptable, kindly ask ... to make this package available for deployment, else, please detail the deficiencies of the package back to me and I shall aim to resolve the matter expeditiously."

I actually meant, "F*** you!" Or at least, that's what I was thinking as I furiously tapped the keyboard.

The beauty of wrapping profanity in eloquent jargon is that I have total deniability. And, believe me, if you're from the office and that line seems familiar, I will deny it.

For some weird reason, it actually feels good. The anger is realeased. Feels like slapping a "Kick me" sign on their back. I got back at them without their knowing it. Man, am I a nerd, or what?

Plus, come Monday morning, or whenever the the issue finally gets off my plate, the frustration goes with it and I'm left with a decent e-mail I know won't get fired for.

Anyway, I don't think I can actually seriouly curse at someone like that. Not just because I've cleansed my vocabulary so as to not accidentaly spew profanily in front of my 5 year old. I just feel that it is such an attack on a person. Although I must say, I'm not the overly sensitive type who is shocked when some obscenity ensues. Just ask my cublicle neighbor who gets colorful in his language at times. I just don't spew it. Because it is like sneezing while lying down. All that spit comes back down and sprays you in the face.

If I really think about it, I know they're not really attacking me by giving me more work. They just want to get the job done. It could have been handled in a better way though.

Truly Twisted

I found one of my favorite writers through Google. She's a funny and snarky commentator I used to follow in Manila during my days in university. I loved her writing because she's extremely smart and so very eloquent. I'd buy the newspaper on whichever day her column would come out. I'd listen to the radio on days her show was on. I clung to her every word.

Then I stopped. I migrated and just didn't think about her until a couple of days ago when I googled her and found her website. She had tons of stuff on there. And again, I basked in her snark.

Then I remembered why I stopped reading her. She was and still is very angry. She admits it. She was very angry in high school and that fueled her writings. When she's not funny, her anger comes through quite strong. I'm the type of person who absorbs negative energy and I try to correct it. But I internalize it. And I'm not always successful at correcting the energy. I get stuck with it.

Plus, she lives in Manila where there is much social ills (well, there ain't no utopia). She had an article about this young boy who is just disturbed. He had a difficult life, true. But she can't really do anything about it. I certainly can't do anything about it. I'm left with such frustration. I could not get the point why she wrote about him.

I won't stop reading her. I'll comb through her site to find her snarky treasures. Just maybe avoid the potholes of anger.

EWWW!!! I've got a streak!!!

Yes, I seem to be in a blogging streak. A friend of mine reacted to a recent article and commended me on my writing. (Actually, I got a lot of compliments. Thanks! Keep sending the love!) But what really got me was that a really close relative (alright, it was my brother) was really surprised on how good I was. (I was shocked that he was shocked. How can he not know?!?!) I guess, I developed my writing style and found my eloquence in high school since I was reading so much. My brothers had left the house by then. My parents knew. I had them edit my writing projects. I shared their passion for the written word.

My last couple of articles were very personal. I even had second thoughts about publishing them. "Go with the flow" I felt I had to publish. The point being - I got the flow even through chemotherapy. But who wants to read about menstruation? So I published another article so that "Go with the flow" would not be the first article. (I had sent out a e-mail announcement to everyone for the birthday article just the week before.)

But then "hard pound" came out to be a little risque. It was funny, but I was not about to send out my newsletter announcing to all that I had updated my blog. (Ok, I sent out a link to a smaller audience who I'd think would enjoy it.) I couldn't imagine sending it to my mom or uncles or aunts. I'd be too embarrassed to have them read it. It would just be weird. I know they'll eventually stumble upon the article. I'm just delaying the inevitable.

I remember being in a room with my mom, aunt and uncle. My mom made a joke -- she said the reason my husband was not at the party was because I tired him out the night before. *wink* *wink* *snicker* *snicker* I really had to leave the room. I smiled my big smile and walked out. It was too awkward. (Mom, I don't care if you joke or talk about my sex life. I just don't wanna hear it. It's just too weird.)

There's the crux of the matter. I wear different personalities depending on my audience. I will put on the mask that will put me in the best light. But on my blog, I open myself up to the world. People who I know and don't know. People who know me and don't know me. Know what really scares me? The people who already know me to be a certain way. When I write, different facets of my personality show. Yes, I'm a tough cancer fighter who is running on spirit and positive attitude to survive. I am also a proud mother to a very smart and sassy daughter that I love watching cartoons and kid shows with. I'm a very loving wife to my husband who I'd do a striptease for in the bedroom for MY enjoyment. I wear orange underwear. I've read the Harry Potter series. I find it difficult to criticize a person so I usually soften the blow with some sort of compliment.

So, I'm laying it all out here. I'm letting go of the fear of what I think others will think of me from my writing. I'm releasing my true self. Hear my true voice.

hard pound

I love to read. My husband and I love books. Got that from my parents. When I was younger, I'd always have a book with me wherever I went. Even at parties, I'd have my face burried in its pages.

My favorite genres are Science Fiction, Fantasy (Harry Potter, Forgotten Realms - yea, the nerdy stuff) and Intelectual Porn (did I say that aloud? I actually meant --) Romance.

I started reading Romance early in high school. I mean, after a couple of years of teen romance, there's really no other way to go. And it's not the only thing I read. At the time, I read Tom Clancy, James Clavell, even some classics (Leo Tolstoy). But I would always go back to my hard pound books (as my husband lovingly calls them).

I only read one romance author -- Johanna Lindsey. She had the best balance of plot, sex and the most amazing characters. I tried reading others but they just were not as good. It's actually just this year that I found 2 authors that I really enjoy.

So, a couple of weeks ago, after having found 2 new great authors, a box comes from an online bookstore containing about 8 new books. My husband watched as I stacked them on my bedside table in order (2 different series). I was taking my time and reading the back and just deciding which to read first. After an hour, I started reading one. I was very much engaged.

"Why don't you just go to the sex?", he asked.

"Well, it would be out of context. That would spoil the story." Then we had this discussion on porn. We concluded that guys just need a picture to get off and girls need 400 pages of prose.

So, last week, while I was enjoying one of my new books, I was getting to the good part. Things were heating up... Then suddenly... My eyes just started to skip over the lines and my brain was like "blah... blah... blah... ok... let's get on with the story..." I had to stop. Put down the book and asked myself, "What just happened?"

Honestly, how many iterations of "his hard pulsating arousal was so close to my hot, burning need...." can you read? We got it. They did it. Let's move on.

We used to really enjoy this stuff.

True. But we never had easy access to the real thing before we got married.

And since we're well satisfied, we've become cynical?

It's like sports. Participating is better than watching. What's more boring than a swimming meet? What's nicer than the feeling of moving through the water in long strokes pushing your muscles until they're at their limit? You'd rather swim in the pool than watch others do laps.

Are we getting old?

Who isn't? Get over it. We're better off. Life's good. Let's move on. Let's go do the honey.

Not tonight - it's a school night.

Go with the flow

Let me start off with a disclaimer. Warning: Too much information to come.

I just got my period. The time of the month. The menstrual flow.

I'll let you click away now. I did warn you that I was going to spew TMI. This blather is just to allow you to click away before I continue. If you are still reading, you do so at your own peril.

This is the first time in about 2 years that I got my period that had a real flow. I thought, "Oh, what an inconvenience!" And as I was grudgingly setting up the equipage to deal with the situation, I thought of the bright side: My reproductive parts still work. There's still hope that my daughter will get that sibling she asked for.

She's been asking for a little brother the last couple of months. Sometimes little brother, sometimes little baby. We keep diverting her and say what if we get a little doggie? She really insists on a baby. In fact, she even tells me to eat more so that my tummy will get bigger and I can have another baby.

I had to explain to her that I was sick. We'll talk about it again when she's 10 years old. Hopefully by then, I'll be better. And if I'm better, we'll try for that baby. She seemed to understand.

A truly happy birthday

Just turned 33. This birthday was much better than the last one (Birthday Sigh). Last year, I was going through Tarceva and the havoc it wrought to my skin (On the pill. My new regimen). Plus the fact that that was a failed attempt.
May 2007 - my scan showed that the tumor increased in size. (Hard Blow)
June 2007 - changed to the Alimta/Avastin therapy.

This birthday was much better since the new therapy showed progress.
Dec 2007 - positive scan. YAY!!! (Two years later... )

Plus, we've been tweaking the regimen so that it's easier on me.
1) I only take half dose of steroids (Dexamethozone). That was a BIG help. My appetite is good. I eat better. Still having issues with drinking water but it's still an improvement.
2) I get Alimta on Day 1 and Avastin on Day 14. (This is on a 21 day cycle.) It was more difficult for me to recover when I got them on the same day. Used to get them all on Day 1.

It's really working. I'm not miserable during my treatment days anymore. That makes me happy.

------------------------------

What did I do during my birthday?
The night before, we all went out for a Sushi dinner. YUM!!!
The day of my birthday, I spent with my family at my daughter's Spring Fiesta school event. Lots of fun and games. Just the fact that I got to spend my birthday with my family made it very special.

What's in a name?

My real name is Xenia. It's the X in xyz, which are my real initials, by the way. My mother is very creative. I thank her for such a unique name. It's saved me quite a few times. My mother's favorite story is when I was interviewed for Kindergarden, the principal asked me my name and I mentioned that my inintials are xyz. He told us that I would be accepted in the school but come the first day, we could not find my name. We went back to the principal and yes, he remembers xyz. So in school, I was always known as Xenia. From Kindergarden to High School.

But at home, I'm referred to as Cheng. This is the name I grew up with. It's Xenia mispronounced. It was I who mispronounced it as a little kid. Why my family let me rename myself, I don't know. (I must have been 2 years old. I had no business renaming anything, let alone, myself.) But it stuck. If you call me Cheng, I know that you've known me since I was a kid or you were introduced to me by someone who did.

Cheng is actually short for Cheng-Cheng. I used to sign notes to my friends as Cheng2 (Cheng squared). I was REALLY little when I named myself that. I have no other defense. But it's common back home to have a name that repeats. A cousin of mine got married and the maid of honor and brides maids were (nick)named: Au-au, Cheng-Cheng, Deng-Deng and Tel-Tel. The bride didn't have a repeating nickname but her husband does --> Jojo.

Then in college, I decided to rename myself once again. I thought that Xenia was a little too adult and stuck up. Plus, it was a name that was difficult to recall. Cheng was out of the question. I wanted to be known as XYZ. You can't really pronounce XYZ. It's 3 of the weirdest letters put together. So I started to introduce myself as XY (2 letters called out). Then I signed everything XYZ. I thought that it would be cool to have such an unforgettable name. Actually, not so much. Everyone remembered my name. And I forgot all of theirs.

I met my husband in college. So he knew me as XY. When he introduced me to some of his friends, he was mis-heard and thought that I was his "ex-wife".

Another friend of mine commented that XY sounds too much like a screen name for a porn star.

Now, it's back to Xenia as my formal name. That's how I'm known at work. Then Cheng for the house/family.

I think I've grown into Xenia. It's a Greek name meaning hospitable. (Yes, I have boundary issues which I'm working on.) It's also very unique. I've decided that I like being unique.

I rag on Cheng as my name. But despite it's humble origins (straight from a babe's mouth), it's a huge part of who I am. Cheng calls to my inner child. Maybe that's why in so many ways I have not grown up. Yes, I still watch cartoons. I don't even mind watching kid shows with my daughter now. We're stuck on the Disney Channel. Funny thing is that I put that on even when my daughter is not around.

I conciously try to keep child-like wonder in my life. People say I'm always happy and excited. Well, I appreciate the smallest things. And I try not to cling to objects or circumstances. Then change is easier to take since it's always new and exciting.

Cheng has actually morphed. I was renamed by my neice - Lyka (Formal name: Angelica). She - and the rest of my family (my brothers and their families) now call me TaTweng. That's taken from Tita (Aunt; Tia) Cheng. Mish-Mashed together. Cheng grew up into the silly aunt.

Scattergories

This was forwarded to me by e-mail. Quite proud of myself (I'm a great Googler).

Subject: SCATTERGORIES

SCATTERGORIES- it's harder than it looks! Copy and paste into a new email. When you have answered all the Scattegories, send it on to friends but DON'T FORGET to return it to the person who sent it to you. Use the first letter of your first name to answer each of the following. They have to be real places, names, things - nothing made up. Try to use different answers if the person in front of you had the same first initial - which by the way is hard if you already have read their answers! You cannot use your own name for the boy/girl names.


1. What is your name? Xenia

2. A 4 letter word: X-ray

3. A vehicle: xebec --> small three-masted pirate ship

4. A city: Xenia, Ohio

5. A boy's name: Xavier

6. A girl's name: Xena

7. Alcoholic drink: Xanthia Cocktail --> (http://www.webtender.com/db/drink/994)

8. An occupation: xenagogue --> guide; someone who conducts strangers

9. Something you wear: Xhiliration (brand)

11. A food: xiphias --> swordfish

12. Something found in a bathroom: x-rated magazines

13. Reason for being late: eXcuse? (get it?)

15. Something you shout: Xtreme!

16. An animal: xeme --> fork tailed gull

17. A body part: xanthochroia --> (yellowness of skin)

18. Word to describe yourself: xenial --> adj. hospitable

Two years later...

After another long hiatus, I'm back. Yes, for a while there I forgot my password but miraculously remembered it today.

Early in December, I was scanned again and I actually got really good news. The tumor had shrunk in size and the metabolic activity diminished. That sounds good all around and my doctor was very happy. So I was just ecstatic. It was a great Christmas present. I called most of my close family and friends.

It's been two years this month that I was diagnosed. Honestly, I don't know what of all I'm doing is keeping me feeling as great as I do. But, for whatever reason, I know I'm blessed and just darned lucky - and I'm very grateful.

My life is as normal as can be. I have a great career! I'm working my tail off and I'm getting accolades and promotions. I just came back from conducting training in the opposite side of the country. And tomorrow, I'm off to chemo. And the next day, I'll be at work doing a job I really like.

I have such a rich family life. I watch my daughter grow every day... that's enough material right there for another blog. She's awesome to behold. She really is the best of me and her father. My mom used to say that about me (having the best qualities of her and my dad) but I did not fully understand it until I saw myself through my daughter. (Yes, I see her father in her to -- but this is about me.) I saw such strength in this girl. That was something I had to consciously work on over the years. Last month, I just saw my 5 year old daughter go through a root canal without flinching. Her dentist was so impressed. She told Burke that she had much bigger kids who were not even half as brave. So, Burke got extra prizes. Of course, I demanded for my own prize. Hey! I feel like I derserved it. I mean, I had to watch my daughter go through it!!! Burke peeled a princess sticker and stuck it on my sweater. (She's strong AND generous. What more can a parent ask for?) I proudly wore my princess sticker to work.

I can't even fathom missing that.

Then there's Michael, my husband, who is my best friend and the love of my life. We laugh everyday. And even deeper than our everyday life together, we share such a connection that makes us one. A friend of mine told me once that he'd want to die before his wife since he did not want to emotionally deal with losing her. (He was young and single then.) I was gone for three days last week. When I got back, Michael took me in his arms and I felt just how much he missed me. He didn't even need to say it. I would to everything I can to stay alive if only to save him from devastating hurt. Thank God, it's been working.

I'll leave it at that for now. I hope this serves as an inspiration for people. There is hope even after a cancer diagnosis. I'll put in the medical details in the next entry. From here on out, I'll be blogging more about my life which may or may not relate to cancer. At one point, that was what was stopping me from blogging. My life is so normal, there's no cancer news.

For those with cancer, good luck, keep your hopes up with faith or whatever you can cling to. I chose faith since I was raised Catholic. My whole life was training until the point that I was diagnosed. When I needed it, it just kicked in. When I needed Him, God carried me.

I also have to mention my family and friends who pray for me or send me positive vibes. So much love coming my way from all directions. I smile whenever I think of that.

Feeling blue? Meditate on this -- you really have to believe it -- say from the depths of your soul, "I am loved, I am love." Visualize the people who love you. Feel how much you love them back. Then take it down to the depths of the earth. Mother Earth. She loves you and nurtures you since you are of her. Then take it to the heavens. Feel the love of God (or the energy of the universe) fill you up.

That pulled me out of one of the worst chemo funks I've ever had. It took a few days and some help from my friends (who are energy healers). But it worked. I am very grateful.

Hair Whack

I've been growing my hair for almost a year now. When I was almost bald (my peach fuzz phase) I wore a hat all the time. A couple of months after, I had enough gumption to take it off and spike my hair (hedgehog phase). As it grew longer, I just looked like a boy with a bad hair cut. Recently, it turned into a mullet.

So I walk into a random hair salon. We were on our way home from the car dealer. Near the car dealer was the Hot Head salon.

They primarily spoke Korean. I was hoping language was not going to be a barrier. Since they had no other customer, they had the guy take care of me. He spoke even less english than the girls. But the girl had said, "He good hair cut." while making scissor signs with her hands.

They showed me the picture book and they asked me to pick a style. I closed it and said I just wanted them to trim the back since my mullet was tickling my nape and driving me nuts.

So the guy comes along and again I said I just want him to trim the back. He said no and started to flip through the picture book. I tried to explain that I didn't think I had enough hair to style. But he was pointing to this pixie cut that was kinda long in front. I asked him if he could do that and he nodded. So I surrendered myself to his layering scissors.

So he trimmed here and there. He was deliberate. He seemed to know what he was doing. When he was done cutting, my hair had a different feel to it already. Then he was talking about Hair Whack. What?!?!? Hair Whack he repeated. Then showed me a tub of hair wax. AHHH. He showed me how to work it into my hair.

It actually looked styled. I was very impressed. So much so that I bought a tub of that Hair Whack - excuse me - Hair Wax.

For the first time in about a year, I felt really good about my hair.

Here's a picture taken 6/30.

A week later...

I'm doing very well. I feel 100% normal again. Thank God!

The worst of it was Wed, I'd say. I was nauseous. My stomach was stormy. The nosebleeds did not hurt but they were a nuisance. A friend of mine helped me through the worst of it. She does energy healing. It's Reiki and more. She got rid of negative energy and put in some healing energy. I was back in the office by Friday.

We drove to New Jersey in the weekend. We had a great time with family just bonding. The Blessed Mother visited (block rosary) so we all prayed together.

So far, so good...

I had my chemo treament yesterday (Alimsta) and I'm at work right now. So far, so good. No adverse side effects and I'm willing it to stay that way.

Thank you so much to everyone who said a prayer or just even sent me good thoughts, intentions or good vibes. That is helping a lot! Please continue since I'm not out of the woods yet.

Hard Blow

Just got my PET scan results. It's not good. My primary tumor doubled in size. Upside is that it's still confined to the lungs.

I'm starting a new round of chemo on Monday. Hope that side effects will not be too bad. But I've coped before and I'm going to just keep on going.

It's very difficult to hear after one year of the disease being stable. I had such high hopes with Tarceva. It just was not for me. Too bad.

In as much as this is bad, I'll continue to fight and live as best I can as long as possible. So, I'll need more prayers from you all.

Brief History

Some have been asking for a quick rundown so here it is.

In Dec 2005, I had a routine physical just coz I turned 30 that year. I was expecting a clean bill of health. But I did mention to the doctor that my father had a heart attack in his late 30's so they did an EKG.

Everything was fine except for the EKG. There were some abnormalities that they could not even determine with a sonogram of the heart.

Jan 2006 - So I saw a cardiologist. She did a CT scan of the heart. Turns out my heart was great. Although my lungs had cancer. So a pulmonologist verified it to be Stage 3B Non Small Cell Lung Cancer (Bronchio Alveolar Adenocarcinoma). It was inoperable since I had it in both lungs and it had spread thru the lymphatic system. (Usually a cancer grows in tumors. Mine had spread into thousands of tiny little tumors all over the lungs.) I started to see my oncologist.

I started treatment Feb 28, 2006. My first regimen consisted of Cisplatin and Taxotere on a 21 day cycle. I receive treatment at my doctor's office - Virginia Cancer Care in Loudoun county.

May 2006 - I had a CT scan that showed no change. My doctor and I decided to move to a gentler regimen so that I can work. My new regimen consisted of Carboplatin and Gemzar. Since the side effects were not too bad, I started to go back to work full time.

Aug 2006 - My doctor got insurance authorization to start me on Avastin.

Jan 2007 - PET scan showed no significant change. Again, we changed my regimen - Tarceva (since it has shown promising results on young, non-smoking Asian females) and Avastin. I'm not on chemo anymore. I'm on targeted therapy.

May 2007 - PET scan showed that the primary tumor has doubled in size. And that the spread of the cancer is now more dense in the right lung than before. We're changing the regimen again. Avastin and Alimta (chemo) every 21 days.

Birthday sigh...

Yup, I've turned 32. I'm very thankful for another birthday. Didn't know if I'd make it this long.

I was blogging a lot in March - then my birthday came. I thought I ought to say something reflective about the last year. Honestly, the only nice thing I can think of is - Thank God, it's over! That was a difficult year.

On my desk is a calendar from last year. It was stuck on December. I had not ordered a new one coz I had Outlook. Well, I flipped it so that it shows Jan again. Then it dawned on me that when I was jotting down on that page last year - I had no idea. If I flipped through the months, I know I'd relive the moments as I saw each doctor's appointment. I'd remember how scared I was. How utterly terrified. Looking a month ahead was uncertain.

Months later, as my life was more normal and my illness had stabilized, so did my panic.

Thank God, it's over!

No more mushy armpits

I've just tried Eucerin the last couple of days. It's better than petrolium jelly. I feel the moisture just seep into my skin. It's not hanging out on the outside like the other jelly. It's greasy for about an hour or so but no mushy armpits.

The other night, I tried sleeping in just a big shirt. I'm a restless sleeper so I really move around in my sleep. In the morning, my legs were very dry from rubbing against the sheets. Then I tried wearing leggings at night. That seems to work. PJ's roll up to my knees so I'd be dry from the knees down.

One more thing I do at night is sleep with a humidifier. Keeps the skin moist. Especially inside your nostrils. It's not fun being dry in there. If you need more moisture, rub some lotion with a Q-tip.

My love/hate relationship with petrolium jelly

Yes, my skin is not hurting and I'd like to keep it that way. Vaseline helps it stay that way. But it's really uncomfortable. My armpits are mushy. EEEEWWWW!!!!

I love it... I hate it... I'm looking for something else!

Relieved...

Yes, my last post was bad. It was very difficult. I'm much better now.

Two weeks ago, I started applying moisturizing foundation on my face over my regular stuff. At first I was self concious because the foundation was slightly darker than my actual skin tone. And I laid it on. You could really see it. At least, I could. But I started to get compliments that my face cleared up. I'd confess that it was make-up. Nice to know that people notice.

My face felt really great! I had no problems with it. The foundation did provide extra moisture plus sunscreen. It actually cleared up my face. My face does not sting anymore when I apply Eucerin. I think my skin has healed.

My back was another story. I can't properly moisturize my back simply coz I can't reach everything even if I'm really flexible. I mentioned in an earlier post that I would apply grapeseed oil all over my body after my shower (morning and night). My skin would just dry up in less than an hour. It was worse than baby oil. That at least lasted a couple hours. So I started to moisturize every couple hours with various lotions. I found that Lubriderm with Shea and Cocoa Butter was the best. It stung a little while I was still extra dry. Apply aloe gel first then the lotion will help lessen the sting considerably. So most of my body was okay... except my back which started to really hurt. I would move slightly and it would feel like the skin was about to tear.

I had just bought Burt's Bees Body Butter. It was great on most areas of my skin (that had already started to heal since I was moisturizing every couple of hours). I had my mom put it on my back. Bad idea. It was made with honey and orange wax. It felt like someone whipped my back then squeezed oranges (limes even) on it. That lasted a good 10 minutes.

The next day, I put on the grapeseed oil again in the morning and was very dry by lunch. Don't ask how it felt in the afternoon. I don't know how I did any work, honestly. Anyway, that night, I asked my mom to apply Aquaphor on my back. That's a burn remedy. It's main ingredient is petrolanium(?). Yup, major petrolium product. I've been avoiding this and Vaseline petrolium jelly because they feel so yucky on the skin plus, they are by products of refining crude oil. But it's the only product(s) that have relieved my skin. I now only moisturize twice a day (morning and night) with Vaseline Petrolium Jelly. It's greasy as heck. I don't know how I'm gonna cope in the summer. But at least I'm not hurting.

It's tolerable or at least it isn't abject suffering...

I've posted somewhere on one of the cancer boards that the side effects of Tarceva was painful but tolerable. At least, it's not abject suffering. That's my position about 95% of the time. Twice a day, as part of my daily routine, I exfoliate my face. That's where the rash is the worst. At that time, it is abject suffering. It stings like anything. Of course, it varies, sometimes it's better than others. But usually it does sting. (Tonight was a good night. It was not too bad.)

Applying oil (Vitamin E oil) on it is okay. Then the Eucerin to seal in the moisture. I use this special Calming Creme that Eucerin just came out with for people with very sensitive skin. It's anything but calming. It feels like I have many small cuts on my face and the lotion just gets into them then burns! As soon as I apply the lotion, I need to do 2 laps around the house reciting the Memorare and asking all the Saints to intercede for my petitions. After that, I'm good for about 8 hours.

My husband has asked me why I do this to myself. Can't I look for other products that won't sting? I have to admit that I should do that soon. But for now, I have to go through this twice a day because the alternative is actually worse. If I don't exfoliate and extra moisturize, the skin on my face will feel like brittle paper that will tear at any facial gesture. Even with the extra moinsturizer, I find it hard to open my mouth too wide. The skin on the sides of my mouth feel like they're gonna tear.

So, I cope. I cope with prayer. I've found that the pain makes the prayer feel more sincere. Or at least it's easier to really focus on the prayer. I offer my sufferings to Him for His greater glory. Then the pain seems insignificant then it fades away.

And He said,

"Cast your burdens upon me,

Those who are heavily laden

Come to me all of you who are tired

Of carrying heavy loads

For the yoke I will give you is easy

And My burden is light

Come to Me and I will give you rest."

Lift Up Your Hands - Basil Valdez
Based on Psalm 55:22

On the pill. My new regimen.

Here's the latest on my treatment. I'm still on Avastin (once every 3 weeks) and the new pill - Tarceva (once a day). I started this regimen end of January.

My doctor and I are very excited. I happen to be in the demographic that shows great results with this pill. Young, non-smoking, Asian female. I'll be scanned after 3 months (early May) to see how the cancer has reacted to this pill.

My life is still normal. I still work full-time. I'm still really busy. Although, I did get the rash which is the side-effect of Tarceva. The rash is a sign that the pill is working. I got it after the first week. It started in my face. I expected this because it was described to me by the doctor and I've read it on websites. But I did not expect it to hurt. The skin on my face was so dry. I stopped soaping for a while. Then it came to a point when it was just stinging all day. So, I searched online for some relief.

That's when I found Christine's site (http://www.practicaltruisms.com). I explored her site and was inspired by her story and her wisdom. There was a section there that described a whole regimen that helped her look great while taking Tarceva. I'm on a regimen that is similar. I use different products but the regimen is the same. Instead of using Almond oil, I use Vitamin E oil (sesame oil base). Why? My husband had some left over that he wasn't using.

My rash has now spread to my chest. There's a little on my nape. I'm starting to see some spots on my arms and legs. So, for my body, I switched from baby oil which is a petrolium based product to grapeseed oil. (I feel like a kabob ready to be grilled every morning.) Why grapeseed oil? It's not petrolium based and it was on sale. I've only tried it today for the first time. So we'll see if that helps the new spots on my arms and legs. I have to say it's not as good as the baby oil. The skin on my legs feel like they are going to tear. I'm not sure if it's the grapeseed oil. I've been feeling drier and drier lately even if I'm drinking enough water to drown me.

I'm not much of a girly girl. I do not wear make-up. My skin was never flawless but I never let that bother me. I always knew that people were drawn to me not because of my looks. But there are times when this rash makes me feel hideous. I look in the mirror and OMG!!! So, I'm usually in a hat. Then I saw a picture of me. The hat makes me look like Chairman Mao - or at least, a Chinese comrade. So, tomorrow, I'm adding make-up to my morning routine. Full creme moisturizing foundation SPF-15 plus full gloss lipstick. (One of Christine's tips.)

Even if I look hideous, no one ever treated me badly or different. Even in the office or anywhere else. Well, those people in the office know me and they're like family. The only reason I'm doing the make-up is so that I don't have to feel too bad when I look at myself. I've got self-esteem up the wazoo but I have to say... I look hideous. That's just a fact. I don't feel bad about it because it's part of my getting better. And it's only temporary.

It's been a year since my diagnosis. For some reason, I have a very strong feeling that I'm going to beat this. I have faith. Many people who love and care for me are praying for me and cheering me on. Thank you so much!!!

Happy New Year!

Happy New Year to everyone!!!

It's been a long time since my last post. I'll try to post more often. I'll even try to fill in the missing months. (Hoping that if I publish my intention, I might follow through.)

We (Mom, Michael, Burke and I) were in California this holiday season. I got to see my brothers and lots and lots of cousins. Thanks to Manny, Tita Hermie, Tito Bobby and family for driving up from LA!!! See our pictures… http://photos.yahoo.com/mrsxdizon

Just got back the results of my last scan (Friday). The tumor is almost exactly the same. Stopping it dead in is tracks is not a bad result.

So I’ve got 2 options. 1) Continue with my chemo as it is and 2) Change to a maintenance pill that has shown promising results. I’m still researching and before deciding. Either way, it’s a gamble. I don’t know how long the current treatment will be effective. (Honestly, I don’t want to go back to chemo.) But the new pill is very new. Plus side effect is bad acne (REALLY BAD).

It's a tough decision...

That's pretty much where I am right now... Thanks for all your prayers. That means a lot to me and my family.

Freddie, Lyka and Ysabel's Easter visit

My brother, Freddie, and his 2 daughters, Lyka and Ysabel, visited over the Easter weekend. We had a blast!!! They arrived Friday night and Kel had a feast waiting for them. Pizza for the kids and prawns for the adults. YUM!

Burke really took to her cousins. They played all weekend. Saturday morning, all Lyka and Ysabel had to do was stare at Burke to wake her up. Seriously.

We didn't go anywhere since I didn't want to be out the first weekend of my treatment. We stayed home, reconnected. The kids did a lot of playing. We painted 5 dozen eggs! That's a tradition my parents started when Lyka was 3 years old and she visited us in Manila. We revivied it and had a great time.

We hid a dozen eggs in the living room for the kids to find. That lasted barely 30 minutes. They complained that they painted 5 dozen eggs and they only got to look for 4 eggs each. Well... We still had a great time...

Chemo Cycle 3 - Summary

This cycle was much better than the second one. I was pretty much recovered by Friday. Unlike the 2nd cycle, I wasn't really good until Sunday afternoon. I think having my cousins over the weekend before my treatment and having my bother and his daughters over the weekend after my treatment really boosted my spirit and energy. Someone had just told me that that is the sign of a true extrovert - I get my energy by reaching out to others in times of need.

I also started to walk about half an hour everyday. I try to go out under the sun. That really rejuvenates me. Just proves I'm solar powered, I guess.

My appetite was really bad, though. That awful taste in my mouth just made food almost gross. If it were not for the steroids that was making me absolutely ravenous, I would rather not eat. But I have no energy when I don't eat. It's a vicious cycle.

Kel just cooked everything I asked. Despite the times I would not eat what he cooks. Not because it's not good. He says it's worse than feeding a craving pregnant woman (nag-lilihi). God love him. Shucks, I love him.

Not just my husband but also my Mom would wait on me hand and foot. Everything I'd ask for, I'd get. Massage, prayers, food ... etc. Thank God for Mom.

One of the things I asked for that week was prawns in tamarind soup (sinigang na hipon). Of course, we didn't have any prawns and I didn't want Kel to go to the store just for one thing. That weekend, Tito Ben and Tita Esther came by with a couple of pounds of prawns!!! Dream come true! Thanks Tito Ben and Tita Esther!!! We had sinigang and halabos (sauteed in garlic).

This week also happened to be Holy Week. For Catholics, we remember the passion, death and resurrection of Christ. Our family also recalls Dad's major surgery removing the cancer from his spine. Now, my treatment week.

Out of the blue, a friend of mine called and was offering to share the Lady of Fatima with us this week. So, she was with us this week. I believe she was truly watching over us and listening to our petitions.

Let me end this with good news. My cough is gone! I'm not taking my industrial strength cough suppressant. My doctor says the tumor was probably crowding my bronchioles. That could probably be a sign of shrinkage. We'll know for sure mid-May when I get scanned again after the 4th cycle.

Zari and Yaz's visit

Two of my cousins visited from the west coast this last weekend. We had a blast!!! Despite the fact that they brought the rain with them ;-). The two full days they were here, it rained constantly. On the other hand, their mom says that the time they were here, it cleared up in the West. Hmmm.....

I had to be at the office last Friday. But I went home early. Kel and I picked up some groceries for a really nice but healthy (and easy to prepare since he had something to do) dinner. As soon as I got home, we started talking and eating (that's the theme this weekend). We had a great time preparing dinner which was a big salad, crusty whole grain bread which we dipped in olive oil and balsamic vinegar, quezo de bola, roasted red bell peppers, roasted asparagus, baked stuffed salmon (bought them stuffed), and cooked brocolini. Dessert was mascerated strawberries dipped in whipped cream and espresso.

The next day, the rain was on a constant drizzle. At first, I wanted to go driving around DC but due to the weather and the National Cherry Blossom Festival, we decided to just stay home, watch movies and gab all day.

When we started to brew our morning espresso, there was no milk in the fridge. So, I put on my jacket and jeans and said I'd go out to grab some milk. Yaz wanted to come so she changed. She came out of the room really put together. Her hair was fixed and she had makeup on. Then Zari wanted to tag along as well. Waited a little longer and she came out the same way. Now at this point, Burke wanted to come along as well as my mom.

I only planned to go to the close gocery but I felt so bad that we'd be back faster than it took them to get ready. So we went to Trader Joe's which was further. I even gave them a tour of our area first just so that they'd see more of our area.

This is when I realized that here is a big difference me and my cousins. Because, they were raised in a more feminine household, they take the time to look good. They've been like this as long as I'd known them. I, on the other hand, was raised in a house that was more masculine. I'm a no frills kind of girl. I don't even wear lipstick to work let alone just to go to the grocery. I really do not care how I look. But the girl inside me still could not help asking if I should. There was a time when I was like that. Back in college, I did my hair, makeup and even nails everyday. I was really kikay (girly). Although, it did happen on occasion that my nails had not dried yet and I was late or distracted, I'd go to school with only one hand done. I just felt so high maintenance. And now that I'm married and I have a daughter and a full time job in a very casual office, I don't bother. That girl inside me is more cowgirl than girl.

We got home and crashed on the couch to watch chick flicks (The Parent Trap and Ice Princess). We had nothing but chips and fruit and espresso or tea.

We then went to mass that afternoon and went to a restaurant nearby that served Spanish tapas (appetizers - not meat jerky as we Pinoys think). We were there a good couple hours just talking and enjoying the food. Of note was the marinated chicken that suspiciously seemed like duck. But the waitress insisted it was chicken. Good thing it tasted good. Another good thing was Burke liked the sliced pita with spinach and artichoke dip I introduced to her as chips.

We went home around 9pm. More talking. I really mean more talking. Zari, Yaz and I slept at 6am. Good thing they had a late flight.

Later that morning, Mom and Kel whipped up a spectacular blunch (more lunch than breakfast since we ate at noon). Bacon, Longanisa (sweet Pinoy sausages), fried eggs, tomatoes, green mangoes, salted eggs, rice and an assortment of fruit.

Then, they had to pack and run. But I'm glad they visited. We really had a blast. Just re-connecting and laughing at anything and everything. My favorite story is of our Tita's (aunt) niece who was new to the states at the time of Zari's wedding. She had to be told not to shorten Tita to Tits... I love fresh off the boat straight into a train wreck stories ...

I'm surprised at how close we are as cousins. We don't see each other often. We didn't grow up together. They moved to this country when Zari and I were in the first grade. We did not write to each other often. When we did, it was just small talk. But when I came to visit them when I was college, we just clicked. It's very easy for us to open up to each other. It still felt like we grew up together. I guess it helped that our family is very close knit. Even if we don't hear from each other, we hear of each other and everyone else in the family. Whenever we meet, it's like we never were apart.

And it's not just them, even Kathy and Yvonne who I did not meet until that visit after college. John, B-boy and Peachy who left for this side of the world in the 7th grade. In our family, there is just no holding back any love. It's great to have that...

My 31st birthday - Hanging off the calendar

I know it does not translate correctly. Where I come from, people say you're hanging off the calendar (sumasabit ka sa calendaryo) when you turn 31. It's the last digit you see on the calendar (and not all months end in 31). When you turn 32, you'll officially be off the calendar. Then you'll be old - or at least - not young. My grandmother would say we sould not complain since she wasn't even in the Bingo digits anymore (which go to 75). She lived to 82. Until then, she still denied being old. No one called her grandma. We all called her Nanay (mother).

Chemo Cycle 2 - Summary

It took me longer to recover from this cycle than the first. It felt a little worse as well. But that's expected since chemo stays in my body for a long time so now I've got 2 doses in me.

Wednesday and Thursday were the worst days. The worst of it being fatigue. This time the nausea was there. I was not retching but my tummy felt like it was upside down. Eating was more difficult this time. I was just not interested in food.

Friday, I was more comfortable on my feet. My head felt like it was screwed on properly but it still felt foreign. I really needed a bath this day. So I decided to buzz my hair. Kel was nice enough to do it for me. Burke was there watching (I didn't want to shock her so I wanted her there while it was being done). I didn't want to look in the mirror after. But I couldn't avoid it since we have a big mirror in the bathroom. It looks better than I expected. I look like an asian monk. Burke was laughing her head off - "Mom, you look like Dad. Can I call you Dad?".

By the end of the day, I was used to the buzz cut. I loved walking right after the bath. I could feel the wind in my scalp.

Saturday, I was still woozy. Maybe it's coz I sat on the couch all day. It sort of drains your strength and will to get up and do anything.

Sunday, I was still woozy. But this time, I had resolved to feel better. So we went to church at noon and we had lunch out. We never found a good Vietnamese place around where I lived so we drove about half an hour to one of our old favorite places - Pho Cyclo. Not only do they serve pho and those yummy summer rolls, they also have vermicelli toppings with barbecued meat piled high on it. Needless to say, we had a feast.

Then we went to a park near the house. That was the best part. We walked by the lake and browsed the shops. Then the wind started to blow and the sun hid behind the clouds so it got too chilly. We ducked into a latino market to get some coconut juice. At the counter, the lady was peeling unripe mango (for her and her friends to eat). I have not seen unripe mango eaten here in this country and you would not believe how my mouth watered at the site of the sour mango and the thought of dipping it in bagoong (shrimp paste - it's a pinoy thing). So, I bought the greenest magoes I found in the back. Unfortunately, they were too ripe already to be sour. Oh, well, at least I was feeling much better.

chemo cycle 2 - day 3

Another bad day... But Mom did find a sandwich I really liked so it wasn't so bad. After eating, I always feel a little better and stronger. I slept most of the day.

Highlights of my day was hearing Mom talk to friends and family calling about me. The concern warms my heart.

I was up in the middle of the night again - no wonder since I was sleeping all day. I got to watch Mr. & Mrs. Smith (simply hillarious!). After which was an emotional upheaval that I could not explain. I was praying one minute - then begging and pleading for my life the next. It needed doing. It helped that Kel was there.

chemo cycle 2 - day 2

Unfortunately, this was a bad day... The water was yucky tasting. I was forcing my self to just eat anything. Nothing was appealing. The only thing that made me eat was that I was really hungry. So, I forced in some soup... Not fun...

Funny thing that happened: I woke up with the hiccups. Not just ordinary little ones, these were huge hiccups. I woke up everyone. The doc says they've seen that before. They're not sure exactly what's causing it. They only lasted 15-20 mins. I had another spell in the afternoon. The novelty wore off...

I worked a little bit. Took my mind off what what happening to my body. Not too long, though, my mind started to turn to mush in an hour or so. But the mental activity was good.

Burke went to ballet class for the first time and she dazzled us with the new steps she learned. Highlight of my day.

I was up from 2am to 5am. Mom was with me. We prayed a little bit which always helps. I try to open myself up to blessings from the prayers other people are sending my way as well. Thanks, everyone!!!

chemo cycle 2 - day 1

This was a good day. I was very peppy and active. I was at the doc's office for only 5 hours this time. They were able to revv up the chemo since it's now my 2nd cycle.

I prayed some of the time. Worked most of the time. They had wireless internet. Since the side effects were not there yet, I was quite productive. It made time go by so much faster.

One of my classmates have already buzzed her hair off. I'm seriously thinking about it since I'm now afraid to shower coz I don't want to clog the drain. It's really a hassle.

After chemo, I was even able to go out for some time. I went to the pharmacy (Kel was driving), and I even passed by the office to drop off some goodies to a couple of my bosses. And I said hello to everyone else.

By the time I got home, though, I was pooped. But I received an e-mail from Liza - my best friend since I was 2! We've lost touch the last couple of years so the news of my cancer really shocked her. But I was very happy to have reconnected with her. And that reconnection revitalized me. I am reminded of the best times of our lives when we were growing up next door to each other and had no cares in the world. The last couple of years had theirs joys and difficulties, and it made it all the worse not sharing in each others lives. Well, we both knew if one reached out, the other would be there. It's nice to have friends like that...

I'm loosing it....

I'm officially loosing my hair. 19 days after my first chemo cycle... I thought I'd have to wait a little longer. So, last Wed, I had my hair trimmed (I'm sporting a bob cut to the ears) thinking I'd have more time with my thick locks.

I noticed yesterday as I was brushing my hair before taking a bath (my ritual since I don't want to clog my drain), the hair would just keep coming. Not in huge clumps so it's not traumatic. Just everytime I run even just my fingers through my hair, I'd get a few strands. Then, during the day, anyone who would talk to me would just reach out an take some hair off my shirt. (They were all family.) Then when I woke up this morning, I had the most hair in the bed.

Since I was expecting this alopecia (medical term for hair loss), I'm not in the least traumatized or depressed about it. I don't feel bad about it in any way. It's a bit of a hassle coz of the mess. Wearing a hat seems to keep the mess at bay.

I'm trying to imagine myself with no hair to mentally prepare myself. It seems weird when I'm thinking about it but that's actually the point. Hopefully, if I think about it enough, it won't be so weird when I actually see it.

So, I'm planning to cut my hair in the near future. My options are a boy-cut that I'm dreadding since it just will not flatter my round face in any way. So, I'm also considering just taking my hubby's clippers and just buzz it all off (a-la Natalie Portman in V for Vendetta). That's the most economical alternative. I've got hats that will cover that up. Then there's the wig alternative. That's the most expensive route. Although, if my doctor prescribes me a cranial prosthesis, my insurance might pay for part of it.

I'm still taking my time with my options. If the hair loss stays this gradual, I'll just keep my hair.

Grazing on the alternative side of the fence

It's chemo week next week. That means this is a good week. I feel like a normal human being. Except for my medications - an industrial strength cough suppressant that keeps me from sounding like a dog, anti-ulcer medication that protects my tummy (from what - I'm not really sure. I really should ask my doc.), plus a glutathione supplement that should aid the chemo med target the cancer cells while protecting my normal cells.

I feel great. I do my 40-hour work week from home. I go out sometimes - to go to church, the grocery or cafe. The last couple of days the weather's been really nice and I'd take a peek outside and soak in some sun.

This week, I did a lot of research on good nutrition. I find that nutritional healing of cancer is actually considered 'Alternative Healing'. Early on, I asked my doc what I should eat to give my body the extra ooomph I need to battle this disease. She said, "Anything you feel like eating." She says that to all her cancer patients on chemo mostly because one of the side effects is loss of appetite and one of the worst things a cancer patient can do is loose weight. The only limitation she gave me is no raw food. Good-bye, sushi and oysters! I was raised on sushi so this is a big loss. Although given a choice between raw fish and the chance to live longer...

My next door neighbor, LH, hands me books on nutritional healing and alternative healing options for cancer. (Why she has these is her story to tell.) So, I comb through these books and notes she passed on to me. Here's what I've started to do.

Most basic - I need a lot of water. A lot! Sure, I can do 10 glasses of water a day. Even my doc told me that. It'll protect my kidneys from damage of toxins of the chemo.

Most obvious - Eat lots of fruits and vegetables. I need the anti-oxidants, vitamins and minerals. That's easy! Bring out the broccoli! Now, I need to eat a rainbow of colors and one member of each of the 7 vegetable families. (Beets and spinach are in the same family?) I'm eating so much fruit and veggies, I feel I don't have enough time in the day to finish all the veggies I need to eat. Thus, you'll find me grazing at all times of the day.

No refined sugar or flour. That means no baked goods. The processing of the sugar and flour renders them devoid of nutritional value. (Fine - I don't think I have time to fit that in my schedule anyway.) (Okay! I still sneak in a piece of that heavenly chocolate YT sent! - Thanks, YT!)

Now I teeter over the alternative edge...

Go organic. Goodness... I'm not that rich. Organic veggies are 2x the price as conventional. Organic meats are at least 3x more expensive. So, I buy organic when it's on sale. Organic is better for me because there are no pesticides and growth hormones. But let's be reasonable, my family needs to eat too...

6 cups of green tea a day. Either that or pop a pill. I don't need another pill to pop so chug-a-lug. This is on top of my 10 glasses of water so you can imagine I'm running to the potty every so often. Green tea contains catechin, a flavonoid that inhibits tumor growth.

I have to keep my pH balance as alkaline as possible. It's a more harsh environment for the cancer. That means most fruits and veggies. (Curiously, citrus fruits are acidic but they make your body alkaline.) Protien makes you acidic but I still need that to keep my muscle so I minimize.

Fermented soy products like miso, natto and soy sauce have lots of good stuff in them. Best of which, for me, I think, are the isoflavinoids that stop cancer cells from proliferating and even may help in turning them back to normal (sounds incredible, but okay, good thing I'm asian and I'm used to eating that stuff).

Believe me, this is just the tip of the iceberg. There's so much other stuff that conflict it's enough to drive you nuts (of which, I can only eat Brazil nuts and almonds which I'm not too fond of).

I'm also looking at other supplements. I haven't started my research yet. I'll clue you in as soon as I do.

If you want recipies, my sources or whatever. Drop me a comment. Leave your e-mail and I'll remove your e-mail before I post your comment.

Happy grazing!

How I found out I had cancer

Early in December 2005, I just thought that I needed to get a complete physical. I've never had a physical before and since I turned 30 this year, I thought it was time. So, I had no symptoms or even slightest inkling that anything was amiss. I felt great. A little out of shape since I hadn't seen the inside of a gym since I lived in Manila 5 years before (a more affluent time of my life).

My life was pretty hectic. I was trying to establish my career. We have a 3 year old daughter. We were trying to settle a family in a far away land. 2005 was good to us. We just moved into our own apartment - the first home we called truly ours. We just bought a new car. Our old one was so old, it was hemorraging.

So, I went to see Dr. Gus. We did the usual blood draw, urine sample, pap smear, EKG. The results came out beautifully. I looked really healthy except for this weird anomaly in my EKG. Since my father had a massive heart attack at age 38, he wanted me to investigate further. He ordered an ECG (sonogram of the heart) and asked me to see a cardiologist.

I saw the cardiologist, Dr. K, in mid January. She saw the anomaly in my EKG. The ECG results did not explain the anomaly in the EKG. She ordered a stress test and a CT Scan of the heart. Let me just say that they are not kidding with that stress test. They really stress you out. I was running on that treadmill within 5 mins. I was huffing and puffing in 6. They do not lessen the pace for short people. Is that really fair? Anyway, the result of the stress test was normal given the abnormal baseline.

At this point, I was really worried. What is happening? Is something really wrong with my heart? I used to be an athlete. I used to swim competitively. I hardly get sick. People would catch a cold all around me and I would usually be spared. I thought I had a kick-ass immune system. The doctor said, the CT scan will show us exactly what is wrong.

One more development that same month - I developed this weird cough. I went to see Dr. Gus about it and he said it was a sinus infection and ear infection at the same time. So, he gave me antibiotics to cure it.

On Jan 31, I had the CT Scan. I thought that was so cool. I was experiencing state of the art modern medicine first hand. They made me lie down on what looked like a balance beam while this huge ring was moving up and down the length of my chest. This female machine voice would say "Hold your breath." Then the scanner would whir and move for about 40 seconds or so. "Breathe" it would say after taking the pictures. They sprayed this drug under my tongue to dilate the blood vessels. Took more pictures. They injected me with dye. Another photo shoot. After all that, the technician said, "If we find something urgent, our doctor will call your doctor who'll call you."

On Feb 1, Dr. K calls me at the office. Uh-oh. Bad omen. I don't remember the exact words she said but she wanted to see me at her office first thing the next day and I had to bring my husband. Don't get me wrong. Dr. K is one of the nicest doctors I've ever met. But no doctor will tell you that you have cancer over the phone. Although, it was obvious in her voice that something was up.

Needless to say, I didn't sleep that night. I couldn't. My cough was driving me nuts and I was sleeping on our loveseat so I could elevate my head. I really tried not to panic but I broke down by 2am. My husband comforted me saying we don't know anything yet. And whatever it is, they'll treat it. They do a lot of great things for heart disease these days (remember, we still thought it was my heart at this point).

On Feb 2, Dr. K says that my heart is perfectly fine. But they found this large mass in my chest. It looks malignant. Lots of other small masses in both lungs. But the one of concern is the big mass in the upper right lung. Can it be something else? Yes, it's possible. Only a biopsy can tell for certain what it is. But the radiologist thinks it's cancer. Is it the early stage? Not this size. It's about 3.5 cm (golf ball size). At this point, I'm a robot. Dr. K. wanted me to see a pulmonologist (lung doctor) that same day. She knows someone down the hall who is willing to see me at any time. I needed to get my CT scan films as well as a chest x-ray.

I did my chest x-ray at 12 noon and I got my CT scan films (15 mile drive), I was at the pulmonologist's office by 2pm. It turns out, he's not in my insurance network. He was willing to see me but I'd have to foot the bill. I figured that if I needed treatment for cancer, I can't be spending needlessly. So I declined his services and his staff looked for a pulmonologist in my network and made me the first possible appointment - next Tuesday. That's 5 days away. I went to my new pulmonologist's office to beg to be seen earlier. No luck.

My husband has an uncle in New Jersey who was an internist. We're really close to Tito Hec so I called and asked if we could drive over that night. I just needed to be near family. It also helped that he was a doctor. So, I told my boss about the mass in my lung and that I needed a few days to go to Jersey. From the start, she was very supportive.

So we packed up our gear and headed to Jersey ( 4 hour drive that took us 5 hours - we got a little lost ). He was shocked. So was his wife, Tita Bing. They saw us Thanksgiving and Christmas - I looked fine. He looked at my films. Was I loosing weight? No and God knows I've been trying. Any pain. None whatsoever. Just doesn't add up. He said he'll have his friends look at it the next day.

Tito Hec did not work the next day. He assembled a panel to look at my films. They all agreed. It looks like cancer. I needed a biopsy right away. They were all willing to do it gratis. But if they do it, that's already the first step towards treatment. There might be an issue of continuity of care if I had the biopsy done there and treatment in Virginia. Plus, there also might be an issue of cost. The biopsy will have to be done in a hospital. It meant poking a big needle through my chest and into my lung to get to the mass. There was a risk of the lung collapsing. I decided to have all the procedures done in Virginia. I could not afford not to work. I'm the breadwinner of my family. Without my job, I don't have medical insurance. Without my job, I can't support my family.

to be continued...

Dana Reeves

Like many people, I was shocked to hear about Dana Reeves death last night. We have the same lung cancer - adenocarcinoma. We're both young, non-smoking, otherwise (other from the cancer) healthy females. I bet she had the latest and greatest medical care. She died 7 months after diagnosis.

I remember that whenever I'd tell somebody I had lung cancer I'd say - "I have the same thing as Mrs. Christopher Reeves has." Fact is, the younger you are, the more aggressive the cancer is. She was 45? I'm 30.

Yes, I'm terrified. How do I deal? I don't. I pray and surrender it all. I know I have no control over this. So, I let it go. Easy way out? Actually, it is. You should try it sometime....

chemo cycle 1 - day 6

I did not sleep a wink last night. I was coughing all the way. Thank goodness it didn't hurt for me to cough. I just could not sleep. So I spent the night praying that even if I was not sleeping, my body would somehow recouperate and energize my immune system to continue the battle.

I woke up - or rather - I actually got up feeling fine. Burke's godmother was here since last night to keep her occupied while Kel and I just breathed. It was a welcome relief. Thanks, Nana!!!

It was comical yesterday while Nana wasn't here yet... Kel was so pooped, he was sleeping on the loveseat - no small feat for such a big guy. He kept the TV on and Burke was bouncing (if you've ever met Burke, you know that I mean, she was literally bouncing) away. I was resting in the room. When I had to go to the bathroom, I decided to check up on her. Her face was all wet from playing with a glass of water and some tissue. Since I did not have any strength, I just said, "I'm letting it go.... She's not hurt... She'll be fine for a little while longer. " Then I called up Nana and begged her to come over. Tita (Aunt) Jing brought Nana and the whole brood. They brought a heavenly soup. Thanks, Tita Jing!!!


Today, it was just coughing all the way. Still no pain, but irritating cough. I took my industrial strength cough suppressant - seems not to be taking any effect. I was so discouraged by it, I didn't want to take it this morning. Tita Nona (& Tito Nandy) came by and told me to take it. (She really came to visit - not force me to do something I didn't if that's how it sounded. I believe her - she's a nurse. Thanks, Tita Nona!!!)

Like I said, I had some energy today. I didn't like laying about on the covers. I was laughing and talking with Nana and Tito Nandy and Tita Nona. There's something about being around family that makes me feel good. Yesterday, somebody told me to "...just let other people love you. Let them take care of you." That's what I did... I sat back. Relaxed. Enjoyed their company.

I called RT to ask about taxes (He helped me last year, Thanks, RT!!!). He knows about my cancer and the first thing he asked was, "How are you?". And he was really concerned. Here I was saying "Good. Good. Good." like I usually do (well, I did it through a coughing fit which was not usual - but the energy was there). I think that's how I did today... Good. Good. Good.


I know I had to get this entry in because my Mom's arriving in a couple of hours and Tita Jing and her whole family are gonna be here as well. I'm excited!!!

Chemo cycle 1 - day 5

I actually slept on my back last night. I have not done that in a month! I couldn't due to severe coughing (cancer related). The doctor says that the coughs will get better as we start chemo but I did not expect it this soon. I'm already taking this as a really good sign that the cancer is responding.

Chemo cycle 1 - day 4

I made the dumbest mistake today. I didn't eat breakfast. I was up by 8am. I felt real great. Hardly any fatigue. I e-mailed for about an hour and then watched TV with my daughter for another hour. By 11am, I was so drained. So drained, I couldn't even stand. Have you ever played one of those fighting games where you see your energy level? When someone is beating you up, your levels just go down and your reflexes are slower... That's how it felt. I really wanted to move. My fingers would not respond. There were thousands of crickets in my ears - another known side effect of chemo. I felt like I was in the middle of a forest.

My husband had to feed me honey just to get some energy in me. So now, I eat every 3 hours. That seems to be working well.

I was hoping to have recovered some energy today. Doesn't feel like it. I'm still pooped. Even too pooped to pray. But then that makes me even more desperate. I can't let go of my faith now. So I cling with every fiber of my being...

I had friends visit me from work today... Thanks, guys! You're the greatest!!! JC - the juice hit the right spot. It was yummy!!! EG - I haven't tried the banana bread but Kel says it's great!

chemo cycle 1 - days 2 and 3

Yesterday (Tue) was not too bad. I was expecting to wake up just feeling the absolute worst but I was actually okay. I felt some nausea - I knew it was there but it didn't bother me.

I drove myself to the doctor's office about 20 mins drive. I needed to get shots to make sure my blood counts don't go down. She also administered more fluids to protect my kidneys. They also gave me anti-nausea meds which took care of that.

I didn't drink my anti-nausea pill that morning coz I just wanted to see how severe it was going to be. I thought that if it was not too bad, I'd skip those pills. Well, the nurses all said it just isn't worth the suffering. My body is already going through a lot and nausea will make it so much worse. So, as soon as I got home, I popped my anti-nausea pill.

When I got home, I felt really weak though. That was another side effect - fatigue. It's really draining. I just got into bed and stayed there. In as much as I hated getting up, I felt much better after having moved some. So I'd make it a point to really drink a lot of water so that I'm forced to go to the bathroom and stretch.

The love of my life, Kel, asked me what I wanted for dinner. Only one thing - puchero. It's a simple beef stew with lots of veggies. He had to go to the grocery to get me the veggies. By 6:30 pm I was really hungry, so he panfried all the veggies so they'd all be cooked by the time the beef was ready in the pressure cooker. It hit the spot!!!

At night, I made some phone calls. I like hearing encouraging voices on the other end of the line. I got to talk to KEE, JKZ and Eve. Usually, people would marvel at how well I'm taking this. Well, I'm just not the depressed brooder type. I can't control the fact that I have cancer, but I can control my attitude. Keeping that positive attitude makes it easier for me to cope. I have hope and faith and the love of many people who are constantly storming the heavens with prayer. I continue to cling to this hope for there is just no alternative for me. I'm determined to live through this and see my amazing daughter bloom into the awesome person God made her out to be. I can't think of leaving my beloved Kel either... It's too difficult.



TODAY (day 3)
Just fatigue. I have only enough energy to write my e-mails and put an entry into my blog.

So, if it's just fatigue that I'm facing, I think I can handle this... Lazing in bed while fighting off cancer isn't too bad. Of course, I'm still praying every 3 hours or so and begging for a healing.

Thanks to all those who are praying for me as well. That means a lot to me.


Another difficult situation is that my beloved husband, Kel and my lovely daughter, Burke are both sick with colds. I have to stay in the bedroom isolated from them. Chemotherapy raveges the immune system so a cold could possibly kill me. It's just so hard to tell my 3 year old that I can't play with her. I actually threaten to send her to our uncle's place if she can't stay away from me. In as much as she loves our uncle and the whole family, she would still rather be with us. And it breaks my heart to have to drag her away. She really is our angelic inspiration even if she moves like the tasmanian devil (of Looney Toons fame).


MORE ON DAY 3 (10pm)

Now I can officially say that I do not feel good. I have no pain whatsoever. Neither do I have any energy. I eat every few hours. I drink as much water as I can - which by now has this weird metallic taste in my mouth - an expected side-effect. Expecting a side effect and actually feeling it is very different. I told the doc that I can make myself drink bad tasting water if I have to. Currently, I have no desire whatsoever. So, I'm downing orange juice. Or, I'd have a grape after the water. The tart sweetness is a good ending to the brash metallic liquid the water has turned out to be. Yes, I'm feeling very dramatic tonight. -- That's how I'm ending my rants...

I'm shaking myself out of this vicious complaining. I hate to complain... (Although, I have to admit, it's a guilty pleasure at times). I can't get into that now. I'm only on the 3rd day of my 1st cycle! What kind of wimp am I? I'm no wimp. If fatigue is all it is, I'll get through it. Drinking 5 to 10 glasses of toxic tasting water if I have to!!!

A lifetime ago, I used to be an athlete... I swam competitively and I rode a bike for some time too. During the worst times of a workout, I'd imagine Jesus suffering on the cross. Compared to that, my pain would turn into slight discomfort and I would just trudge on. I did my workouts to train my body to be better. Every sore muscle would be a victory. I'm trying to get back into that attitude. The difficulty being, I'm scared sh*tless at every step I take. I rest all day and I just have no energy. Which is very weird for me. I'm the type who cannot sit still. I'm always bursting with energy, ideas, laughter and sunshine.

Now, the closest I feel to Jesus is during the Agony in the Garden when he asked God the Father to "Take this cup away from me."

I always looked up to my father. When he went through cancer, he was 57. All he said was, "I've had such a great life filled with blessings. God gave this to me so I can share in His agony. I accept it wholeheartedly." He hardly complained for someone who was in so much pain. This is how I intended to go through my cancer. But the chemo is now wearing on my body. This is just the start. I'm not so confident that I'll be as brave but I still hang on to my faith and hope. Somehow, I'll get through this. Not alone. I have my family, friends and God.