Friday, February 01, 2008

Two years later...

After another long hiatus, I'm back. Yes, for a while there I forgot my password but miraculously remembered it today.

Early in December, I was scanned again and I actually got really good news. The tumor had shrunk in size and the metabolic activity diminished. That sounds good all around and my doctor was very happy. So I was just ecstatic. It was a great Christmas present. I called most of my close family and friends.

It's been two years this month that I was diagnosed. Honestly, I don't know what of all I'm doing is keeping me feeling as great as I do. But, for whatever reason, I know I'm blessed and just darned lucky - and I'm very grateful.

My life is as normal as can be. I have a great career! I'm working my tail off and I'm getting accolades and promotions. I just came back from conducting training in the opposite side of the country. And tomorrow, I'm off to chemo. And the next day, I'll be at work doing a job I really like.

I have such a rich family life. I watch my daughter grow every day... that's enough material right there for another blog. She's awesome to behold. She really is the best of me and her father. My mom used to say that about me (having the best qualities of her and my dad) but I did not fully understand it until I saw myself through my daughter. (Yes, I see her father in her to -- but this is about me.) I saw such strength in this girl. That was something I had to consciously work on over the years. Last month, I just saw my 5 year old daughter go through a root canal without flinching. Her dentist was so impressed. She told Burke that she had much bigger kids who were not even half as brave. So, Burke got extra prizes. Of course, I demanded for my own prize. Hey! I feel like I derserved it. I mean, I had to watch my daughter go through it!!! Burke peeled a princess sticker and stuck it on my sweater. (She's strong AND generous. What more can a parent ask for?) I proudly wore my princess sticker to work.

I can't even fathom missing that.

Then there's Michael, my husband, who is my best friend and the love of my life. We laugh everyday. And even deeper than our everyday life together, we share such a connection that makes us one. A friend of mine told me once that he'd want to die before his wife since he did not want to emotionally deal with losing her. (He was young and single then.) I was gone for three days last week. When I got back, Michael took me in his arms and I felt just how much he missed me. He didn't even need to say it. I would to everything I can to stay alive if only to save him from devastating hurt. Thank God, it's been working.

I'll leave it at that for now. I hope this serves as an inspiration for people. There is hope even after a cancer diagnosis. I'll put in the medical details in the next entry. From here on out, I'll be blogging more about my life which may or may not relate to cancer. At one point, that was what was stopping me from blogging. My life is so normal, there's no cancer news.

For those with cancer, good luck, keep your hopes up with faith or whatever you can cling to. I chose faith since I was raised Catholic. My whole life was training until the point that I was diagnosed. When I needed it, it just kicked in. When I needed Him, God carried me.

I also have to mention my family and friends who pray for me or send me positive vibes. So much love coming my way from all directions. I smile whenever I think of that.

Feeling blue? Meditate on this -- you really have to believe it -- say from the depths of your soul, "I am loved, I am love." Visualize the people who love you. Feel how much you love them back. Then take it down to the depths of the earth. Mother Earth. She loves you and nurtures you since you are of her. Then take it to the heavens. Feel the love of God (or the energy of the universe) fill you up.

That pulled me out of one of the worst chemo funks I've ever had. It took a few days and some help from my friends (who are energy healers). But it worked. I am very grateful.

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