Friday, August 21, 2009

Hope is never lost

I got a LOT of feedback about my last post. I got e-mails, FaceBook messages, calls all of love, prayers and encouragement. I want to thank everyone who just re-doubled their prayers.

I'm much better now. Saturday was the worst of it. I've slowly improved since then. (Big shoutout to my MOM!!!) I just wanted to share with everyone what was going on in my head at the darkest of times. Please be assured that in as much as I sometimes go there, I don't live there. I'm just telling you that there are times of weakness but even at the bleakest of times, I have never given up on my life or on my faith.

UPDATE: I've told my doctor about my neuropathy (pins and needles on my hands and feet). We're scheduling another PET scan in the next couple of weeks. She says it's to check if we can scale back the treatments. I'm just visualizing a clear PET scan. I'm opening myself to the possibility of this miracle. (Dean, you're comment just encouraged me!!!)

Again, Thank you, all!!! Please don't stop believing. I believe I will have my miracle soon.

Sunday, August 16, 2009

Tired in body and spirit

That is what I posted in Facebook yesterday. I knew I'd get a lot of prayers and love my way (and I did).

Yes, I had another treatment. Was it difficult? Yes. Not more difficult than others. I had nausea. Not much actual vomiting. Major fatigue. The new thing is this neurotoxicity. I feel pins and needles in the ends of my fingers and the bottoms of my feet. I've never felt that before. The doctor has told me about it. In almost four years, and this is the first time I'm feeling it.

It does scare me. I'm just scared that my body cannot recover as it used to. It seems there is so much toxins in my body that I'm having trouble clearing. I'm going to try an epsom salt bath. Although I was warned that since I'm so depleted, I shouldn't stay too long.

My accupuncturist was a great help yesterday. He listened as I told him how tired I was. I did not know he was also a homeopath. He gave me some good stuff that uplifted the spirit.


Let me share how bad it got yesterday for me to type my Facebook plea. I don't like feeling this way... down and depleted. I fight with prayers and positivity and I reach out to friends and family who lift me up. (Cowsin!!!)

I've learned that even if I don't like that I feel negative, I need to express it and acknowledge it then let it go.


I'm tired of chemo. I don't want to do it anymore. It would be a little easier if there was an end in sight, but I'm on an indefinite treatment. And now this neurotoxicity...

It feels like there is a heavy load on my body that keeps getting heavier every treatment. It squashes my spirit. It's easy to be positive when you are feeling good. But I'm tired... very tired...

You know that I cannot stand to be in my doctor's office? That space is so offensive to me, the thought of me having to be there just makes my stomach heave. Even now that I'm writing about it, I can smell the fumes. But I'll have to talk to her soon. I'll probably invite her outside.

I'm tired of having to be strong. I don't have anything left. All I can do is offer it up since I have nothing left.