My skin is clearing

Today, I had someone compliment my skin. She actually said that my pimples are clearing up. I was actually surprised. I've been noticing that for a couple of months now. But I would notice it after my shower. I thought the bath would refresh my skin and give it a nice glow. That's after almost one whole year of being off Tarceva. (Feb - May 07 --> check out my articles during that time for more gory details.)

My complimentary co-worker just started a few months back so she does not know of my lung cancer. It's just been awkward to talk about it - since it isn't so obvious. I know I ought to be spreading the word but... (ah, yes, guilt, an old friend).

I guess that's what's this blog is about. I'm not sure who else reads it though. Maybe I should just publish my blog e-mail so I'll get more feedback. No one seems to be commenting lately (that' s not a hint).

What is this blog about? It's about my normal life. Well, it's very close to normal. If you don't count chemotherapy. That's the only aberration.

But if I'm not spreading the word around people I know, what's the point, right? I'm not in the least a pushy person. (I'm not a pushy?)

That's what this blog is for. So I can say what I won't in real life. Wow, that does NOT sound like me at all. Back in high school and college, I would say whatever I wanted to. Now, I can't talk about my illness or even my sex life. But, I guess, I felt that people back home are more accepting. (Sounds like a good topic for the future.)

Tales from the International Aisle

We were wandering in our favorite Asian Grocery when we stumbled upon many interesting items.

On sale up front was some chocolate flavored biscuits.
Brand name: OH, YES!!! Imagine over the loud speaker, "Price check on OH, YES!!!"

I was looking for a Filipino sweet made from coconuts (macapuno).
On the label: "Mutant Coconut". Sounds really appetizing!

My favorite: A latino brand of broth labeled -- Soup: Cock flavored.
Now that's marketing.

poetry... shmoetry

I dislike poetry. I try to avoid it, if possible. I'm more of a prose kind of girl. Not just the hot and steamy kind, just prose in general. Why? Because poetry leads to war.

Think about it. Poetry is extremely subjective. A line of poetry may by interpreted in many different ways. That can only lead to misunderstanding. And we all know that war could possibly be brought about by misunderstanding / miscommunication.

If you're gonna say something, say it straight. Say it in prose! That's why they don't make laws in poetry. Or the news...

Every single day, he brought us the mail
Letters, Bills, Fliers and Sales
We did not realize he was so resentful
Today, he just decided to go postal

Yes, my poetry is atrocious! It's direct. No hidden meanings. And it rhymes (which is the worst part). Maybe that's why I dislike it so. How many times (especially in high school) has someone had you read their poetry? And it was bad? I mean, I make bad poetry, but I've read much worse. It's very difficult to critique poetry. Since it means so much to the writer. It just would be rare that I would connect to a poem. Maybe it's not poetry... Maybe it's me... (I seriously doubt that but I'll leave the possibility open.)

Ever read Lord of the Rings? Did you read through all that poetry? Honestly.

blog.. blog.. blog... (blah... blah.. blah..)

I'm not feeling particularly funny today. Work was blah... I mean, typical of work, it was extremely hectic... I've got tons of stuff on my plate. So I've decided not to ever write about work again since it's just blah...

Now, about my co-workers... Just kidding...

I've been exploring other blogs to see what makes a good blog. They advise you to talk about a specific topic. You should have a target audience. I saw this blogger who had 3 blogs: One about food, another on her workout routine and a thrid one that was her "personal" blog.

I tried doing a strictly cancer one. That didn't turn out so well. Notice there's no entries between July 07 and Feb 08. I can't dwell on my illness. It's depressing. I can't keep researching about it either -- same reason.

I am trying out alternative therapies. I'm doing Reiki and other energy healing. It's just weird though. I shouldn't say that. It's really had a profound effect on my life as a whole so it's hard to put into words. (Who's eloquent now?) Maybe I'm not ready to talk about it yet.

I have decided to take formal Reiki classes after 2 years of being on the receiving end of it. I'm just curious to see how it is on the giving side.

I had treatment today (More details on my treatment in A truly happy birthday). I had Avastin so it's a light day. I was in the doc's office in the morning and at work by 11am. No side effects. The heavy treatment will be coming up next Tue. But I expect to work even that afternoon and just work through the discomfort. It's not too bad. I'd feel worse if I took the day off and get an enormous amount of e-mail and tasks... (That's about work so ...)

Back to the blog... One blog is good. Every other day seems to be a good rate. I can't guarantee to be always funny but I surely will try.

wax profane

Last night or very early this morning, like 2 a.m., I was working (note it is Sunday). I was furiously sending an e-mail. I was extremely frustrated about the whole situation so I just caved in. (Much more about this situation that I'm not willing to divulge to the public.) The last sentence on the e-mail read,

"If the package is acceptable, kindly ask ... to make this package available for deployment, else, please detail the deficiencies of the package back to me and I shall aim to resolve the matter expeditiously."

I actually meant, "F*** you!" Or at least, that's what I was thinking as I furiously tapped the keyboard.

The beauty of wrapping profanity in eloquent jargon is that I have total deniability. And, believe me, if you're from the office and that line seems familiar, I will deny it.

For some weird reason, it actually feels good. The anger is realeased. Feels like slapping a "Kick me" sign on their back. I got back at them without their knowing it. Man, am I a nerd, or what?

Plus, come Monday morning, or whenever the the issue finally gets off my plate, the frustration goes with it and I'm left with a decent e-mail I know won't get fired for.

Anyway, I don't think I can actually seriouly curse at someone like that. Not just because I've cleansed my vocabulary so as to not accidentaly spew profanily in front of my 5 year old. I just feel that it is such an attack on a person. Although I must say, I'm not the overly sensitive type who is shocked when some obscenity ensues. Just ask my cublicle neighbor who gets colorful in his language at times. I just don't spew it. Because it is like sneezing while lying down. All that spit comes back down and sprays you in the face.

If I really think about it, I know they're not really attacking me by giving me more work. They just want to get the job done. It could have been handled in a better way though.

Truly Twisted

I found one of my favorite writers through Google. She's a funny and snarky commentator I used to follow in Manila during my days in university. I loved her writing because she's extremely smart and so very eloquent. I'd buy the newspaper on whichever day her column would come out. I'd listen to the radio on days her show was on. I clung to her every word.

Then I stopped. I migrated and just didn't think about her until a couple of days ago when I googled her and found her website. She had tons of stuff on there. And again, I basked in her snark.

Then I remembered why I stopped reading her. She was and still is very angry. She admits it. She was very angry in high school and that fueled her writings. When she's not funny, her anger comes through quite strong. I'm the type of person who absorbs negative energy and I try to correct it. But I internalize it. And I'm not always successful at correcting the energy. I get stuck with it.

Plus, she lives in Manila where there is much social ills (well, there ain't no utopia). She had an article about this young boy who is just disturbed. He had a difficult life, true. But she can't really do anything about it. I certainly can't do anything about it. I'm left with such frustration. I could not get the point why she wrote about him.

I won't stop reading her. I'll comb through her site to find her snarky treasures. Just maybe avoid the potholes of anger.

EWWW!!! I've got a streak!!!

Yes, I seem to be in a blogging streak. A friend of mine reacted to a recent article and commended me on my writing. (Actually, I got a lot of compliments. Thanks! Keep sending the love!) But what really got me was that a really close relative (alright, it was my brother) was really surprised on how good I was. (I was shocked that he was shocked. How can he not know?!?!) I guess, I developed my writing style and found my eloquence in high school since I was reading so much. My brothers had left the house by then. My parents knew. I had them edit my writing projects. I shared their passion for the written word.

My last couple of articles were very personal. I even had second thoughts about publishing them. "Go with the flow" I felt I had to publish. The point being - I got the flow even through chemotherapy. But who wants to read about menstruation? So I published another article so that "Go with the flow" would not be the first article. (I had sent out a e-mail announcement to everyone for the birthday article just the week before.)

But then "hard pound" came out to be a little risque. It was funny, but I was not about to send out my newsletter announcing to all that I had updated my blog. (Ok, I sent out a link to a smaller audience who I'd think would enjoy it.) I couldn't imagine sending it to my mom or uncles or aunts. I'd be too embarrassed to have them read it. It would just be weird. I know they'll eventually stumble upon the article. I'm just delaying the inevitable.

I remember being in a room with my mom, aunt and uncle. My mom made a joke -- she said the reason my husband was not at the party was because I tired him out the night before. *wink* *wink* *snicker* *snicker* I really had to leave the room. I smiled my big smile and walked out. It was too awkward. (Mom, I don't care if you joke or talk about my sex life. I just don't wanna hear it. It's just too weird.)

There's the crux of the matter. I wear different personalities depending on my audience. I will put on the mask that will put me in the best light. But on my blog, I open myself up to the world. People who I know and don't know. People who know me and don't know me. Know what really scares me? The people who already know me to be a certain way. When I write, different facets of my personality show. Yes, I'm a tough cancer fighter who is running on spirit and positive attitude to survive. I am also a proud mother to a very smart and sassy daughter that I love watching cartoons and kid shows with. I'm a very loving wife to my husband who I'd do a striptease for in the bedroom for MY enjoyment. I wear orange underwear. I've read the Harry Potter series. I find it difficult to criticize a person so I usually soften the blow with some sort of compliment.

So, I'm laying it all out here. I'm letting go of the fear of what I think others will think of me from my writing. I'm releasing my true self. Hear my true voice.

hard pound

I love to read. My husband and I love books. Got that from my parents. When I was younger, I'd always have a book with me wherever I went. Even at parties, I'd have my face burried in its pages.

My favorite genres are Science Fiction, Fantasy (Harry Potter, Forgotten Realms - yea, the nerdy stuff) and Intelectual Porn (did I say that aloud? I actually meant --) Romance.

I started reading Romance early in high school. I mean, after a couple of years of teen romance, there's really no other way to go. And it's not the only thing I read. At the time, I read Tom Clancy, James Clavell, even some classics (Leo Tolstoy). But I would always go back to my hard pound books (as my husband lovingly calls them).

I only read one romance author -- Johanna Lindsey. She had the best balance of plot, sex and the most amazing characters. I tried reading others but they just were not as good. It's actually just this year that I found 2 authors that I really enjoy.

So, a couple of weeks ago, after having found 2 new great authors, a box comes from an online bookstore containing about 8 new books. My husband watched as I stacked them on my bedside table in order (2 different series). I was taking my time and reading the back and just deciding which to read first. After an hour, I started reading one. I was very much engaged.

"Why don't you just go to the sex?", he asked.

"Well, it would be out of context. That would spoil the story." Then we had this discussion on porn. We concluded that guys just need a picture to get off and girls need 400 pages of prose.

So, last week, while I was enjoying one of my new books, I was getting to the good part. Things were heating up... Then suddenly... My eyes just started to skip over the lines and my brain was like "blah... blah... blah... ok... let's get on with the story..." I had to stop. Put down the book and asked myself, "What just happened?"

Honestly, how many iterations of "his hard pulsating arousal was so close to my hot, burning need...." can you read? We got it. They did it. Let's move on.

We used to really enjoy this stuff.

True. But we never had easy access to the real thing before we got married.

And since we're well satisfied, we've become cynical?

It's like sports. Participating is better than watching. What's more boring than a swimming meet? What's nicer than the feeling of moving through the water in long strokes pushing your muscles until they're at their limit? You'd rather swim in the pool than watch others do laps.

Are we getting old?

Who isn't? Get over it. We're better off. Life's good. Let's move on. Let's go do the honey.

Not tonight - it's a school night.

Go with the flow

Let me start off with a disclaimer. Warning: Too much information to come.

I just got my period. The time of the month. The menstrual flow.

I'll let you click away now. I did warn you that I was going to spew TMI. This blather is just to allow you to click away before I continue. If you are still reading, you do so at your own peril.

This is the first time in about 2 years that I got my period that had a real flow. I thought, "Oh, what an inconvenience!" And as I was grudgingly setting up the equipage to deal with the situation, I thought of the bright side: My reproductive parts still work. There's still hope that my daughter will get that sibling she asked for.

She's been asking for a little brother the last couple of months. Sometimes little brother, sometimes little baby. We keep diverting her and say what if we get a little doggie? She really insists on a baby. In fact, she even tells me to eat more so that my tummy will get bigger and I can have another baby.

I had to explain to her that I was sick. We'll talk about it again when she's 10 years old. Hopefully by then, I'll be better. And if I'm better, we'll try for that baby. She seemed to understand.

A truly happy birthday

Just turned 33. This birthday was much better than the last one (Birthday Sigh). Last year, I was going through Tarceva and the havoc it wrought to my skin (On the pill. My new regimen). Plus the fact that that was a failed attempt.
May 2007 - my scan showed that the tumor increased in size. (Hard Blow)
June 2007 - changed to the Alimta/Avastin therapy.

This birthday was much better since the new therapy showed progress.
Dec 2007 - positive scan. YAY!!! (Two years later... )

Plus, we've been tweaking the regimen so that it's easier on me.
1) I only take half dose of steroids (Dexamethozone). That was a BIG help. My appetite is good. I eat better. Still having issues with drinking water but it's still an improvement.
2) I get Alimta on Day 1 and Avastin on Day 14. (This is on a 21 day cycle.) It was more difficult for me to recover when I got them on the same day. Used to get them all on Day 1.

It's really working. I'm not miserable during my treatment days anymore. That makes me happy.

------------------------------

What did I do during my birthday?
The night before, we all went out for a Sushi dinner. YUM!!!
The day of my birthday, I spent with my family at my daughter's Spring Fiesta school event. Lots of fun and games. Just the fact that I got to spend my birthday with my family made it very special.

What's in a name?

My real name is Xenia. It's the X in xyz, which are my real initials, by the way. My mother is very creative. I thank her for such a unique name. It's saved me quite a few times. My mother's favorite story is when I was interviewed for Kindergarden, the principal asked me my name and I mentioned that my inintials are xyz. He told us that I would be accepted in the school but come the first day, we could not find my name. We went back to the principal and yes, he remembers xyz. So in school, I was always known as Xenia. From Kindergarden to High School.

But at home, I'm referred to as Cheng. This is the name I grew up with. It's Xenia mispronounced. It was I who mispronounced it as a little kid. Why my family let me rename myself, I don't know. (I must have been 2 years old. I had no business renaming anything, let alone, myself.) But it stuck. If you call me Cheng, I know that you've known me since I was a kid or you were introduced to me by someone who did.

Cheng is actually short for Cheng-Cheng. I used to sign notes to my friends as Cheng2 (Cheng squared). I was REALLY little when I named myself that. I have no other defense. But it's common back home to have a name that repeats. A cousin of mine got married and the maid of honor and brides maids were (nick)named: Au-au, Cheng-Cheng, Deng-Deng and Tel-Tel. The bride didn't have a repeating nickname but her husband does --> Jojo.

Then in college, I decided to rename myself once again. I thought that Xenia was a little too adult and stuck up. Plus, it was a name that was difficult to recall. Cheng was out of the question. I wanted to be known as XYZ. You can't really pronounce XYZ. It's 3 of the weirdest letters put together. So I started to introduce myself as XY (2 letters called out). Then I signed everything XYZ. I thought that it would be cool to have such an unforgettable name. Actually, not so much. Everyone remembered my name. And I forgot all of theirs.

I met my husband in college. So he knew me as XY. When he introduced me to some of his friends, he was mis-heard and thought that I was his "ex-wife".

Another friend of mine commented that XY sounds too much like a screen name for a porn star.

Now, it's back to Xenia as my formal name. That's how I'm known at work. Then Cheng for the house/family.

I think I've grown into Xenia. It's a Greek name meaning hospitable. (Yes, I have boundary issues which I'm working on.) It's also very unique. I've decided that I like being unique.

I rag on Cheng as my name. But despite it's humble origins (straight from a babe's mouth), it's a huge part of who I am. Cheng calls to my inner child. Maybe that's why in so many ways I have not grown up. Yes, I still watch cartoons. I don't even mind watching kid shows with my daughter now. We're stuck on the Disney Channel. Funny thing is that I put that on even when my daughter is not around.

I conciously try to keep child-like wonder in my life. People say I'm always happy and excited. Well, I appreciate the smallest things. And I try not to cling to objects or circumstances. Then change is easier to take since it's always new and exciting.

Cheng has actually morphed. I was renamed by my neice - Lyka (Formal name: Angelica). She - and the rest of my family (my brothers and their families) now call me TaTweng. That's taken from Tita (Aunt; Tia) Cheng. Mish-Mashed together. Cheng grew up into the silly aunt.

Scattergories

This was forwarded to me by e-mail. Quite proud of myself (I'm a great Googler).

Subject: SCATTERGORIES

SCATTERGORIES- it's harder than it looks! Copy and paste into a new email. When you have answered all the Scattegories, send it on to friends but DON'T FORGET to return it to the person who sent it to you. Use the first letter of your first name to answer each of the following. They have to be real places, names, things - nothing made up. Try to use different answers if the person in front of you had the same first initial - which by the way is hard if you already have read their answers! You cannot use your own name for the boy/girl names.


1. What is your name? Xenia

2. A 4 letter word: X-ray

3. A vehicle: xebec --> small three-masted pirate ship

4. A city: Xenia, Ohio

5. A boy's name: Xavier

6. A girl's name: Xena

7. Alcoholic drink: Xanthia Cocktail --> (http://www.webtender.com/db/drink/994)

8. An occupation: xenagogue --> guide; someone who conducts strangers

9. Something you wear: Xhiliration (brand)

11. A food: xiphias --> swordfish

12. Something found in a bathroom: x-rated magazines

13. Reason for being late: eXcuse? (get it?)

15. Something you shout: Xtreme!

16. An animal: xeme --> fork tailed gull

17. A body part: xanthochroia --> (yellowness of skin)

18. Word to describe yourself: xenial --> adj. hospitable

Two years later...

After another long hiatus, I'm back. Yes, for a while there I forgot my password but miraculously remembered it today.

Early in December, I was scanned again and I actually got really good news. The tumor had shrunk in size and the metabolic activity diminished. That sounds good all around and my doctor was very happy. So I was just ecstatic. It was a great Christmas present. I called most of my close family and friends.

It's been two years this month that I was diagnosed. Honestly, I don't know what of all I'm doing is keeping me feeling as great as I do. But, for whatever reason, I know I'm blessed and just darned lucky - and I'm very grateful.

My life is as normal as can be. I have a great career! I'm working my tail off and I'm getting accolades and promotions. I just came back from conducting training in the opposite side of the country. And tomorrow, I'm off to chemo. And the next day, I'll be at work doing a job I really like.

I have such a rich family life. I watch my daughter grow every day... that's enough material right there for another blog. She's awesome to behold. She really is the best of me and her father. My mom used to say that about me (having the best qualities of her and my dad) but I did not fully understand it until I saw myself through my daughter. (Yes, I see her father in her to -- but this is about me.) I saw such strength in this girl. That was something I had to consciously work on over the years. Last month, I just saw my 5 year old daughter go through a root canal without flinching. Her dentist was so impressed. She told Burke that she had much bigger kids who were not even half as brave. So, Burke got extra prizes. Of course, I demanded for my own prize. Hey! I feel like I derserved it. I mean, I had to watch my daughter go through it!!! Burke peeled a princess sticker and stuck it on my sweater. (She's strong AND generous. What more can a parent ask for?) I proudly wore my princess sticker to work.

I can't even fathom missing that.

Then there's Michael, my husband, who is my best friend and the love of my life. We laugh everyday. And even deeper than our everyday life together, we share such a connection that makes us one. A friend of mine told me once that he'd want to die before his wife since he did not want to emotionally deal with losing her. (He was young and single then.) I was gone for three days last week. When I got back, Michael took me in his arms and I felt just how much he missed me. He didn't even need to say it. I would to everything I can to stay alive if only to save him from devastating hurt. Thank God, it's been working.

I'll leave it at that for now. I hope this serves as an inspiration for people. There is hope even after a cancer diagnosis. I'll put in the medical details in the next entry. From here on out, I'll be blogging more about my life which may or may not relate to cancer. At one point, that was what was stopping me from blogging. My life is so normal, there's no cancer news.

For those with cancer, good luck, keep your hopes up with faith or whatever you can cling to. I chose faith since I was raised Catholic. My whole life was training until the point that I was diagnosed. When I needed it, it just kicked in. When I needed Him, God carried me.

I also have to mention my family and friends who pray for me or send me positive vibes. So much love coming my way from all directions. I smile whenever I think of that.

Feeling blue? Meditate on this -- you really have to believe it -- say from the depths of your soul, "I am loved, I am love." Visualize the people who love you. Feel how much you love them back. Then take it down to the depths of the earth. Mother Earth. She loves you and nurtures you since you are of her. Then take it to the heavens. Feel the love of God (or the energy of the universe) fill you up.

That pulled me out of one of the worst chemo funks I've ever had. It took a few days and some help from my friends (who are energy healers). But it worked. I am very grateful.

Hair Whack

I've been growing my hair for almost a year now. When I was almost bald (my peach fuzz phase) I wore a hat all the time. A couple of months after, I had enough gumption to take it off and spike my hair (hedgehog phase). As it grew longer, I just looked like a boy with a bad hair cut. Recently, it turned into a mullet.

So I walk into a random hair salon. We were on our way home from the car dealer. Near the car dealer was the Hot Head salon.

They primarily spoke Korean. I was hoping language was not going to be a barrier. Since they had no other customer, they had the guy take care of me. He spoke even less english than the girls. But the girl had said, "He good hair cut." while making scissor signs with her hands.

They showed me the picture book and they asked me to pick a style. I closed it and said I just wanted them to trim the back since my mullet was tickling my nape and driving me nuts.

So the guy comes along and again I said I just want him to trim the back. He said no and started to flip through the picture book. I tried to explain that I didn't think I had enough hair to style. But he was pointing to this pixie cut that was kinda long in front. I asked him if he could do that and he nodded. So I surrendered myself to his layering scissors.

So he trimmed here and there. He was deliberate. He seemed to know what he was doing. When he was done cutting, my hair had a different feel to it already. Then he was talking about Hair Whack. What?!?!? Hair Whack he repeated. Then showed me a tub of hair wax. AHHH. He showed me how to work it into my hair.

It actually looked styled. I was very impressed. So much so that I bought a tub of that Hair Whack - excuse me - Hair Wax.

For the first time in about a year, I felt really good about my hair.

Here's a picture taken 6/30.

A week later...

I'm doing very well. I feel 100% normal again. Thank God!

The worst of it was Wed, I'd say. I was nauseous. My stomach was stormy. The nosebleeds did not hurt but they were a nuisance. A friend of mine helped me through the worst of it. She does energy healing. It's Reiki and more. She got rid of negative energy and put in some healing energy. I was back in the office by Friday.

We drove to New Jersey in the weekend. We had a great time with family just bonding. The Blessed Mother visited (block rosary) so we all prayed together.

So far, so good...

I had my chemo treament yesterday (Alimsta) and I'm at work right now. So far, so good. No adverse side effects and I'm willing it to stay that way.

Thank you so much to everyone who said a prayer or just even sent me good thoughts, intentions or good vibes. That is helping a lot! Please continue since I'm not out of the woods yet.

Hard Blow

Just got my PET scan results. It's not good. My primary tumor doubled in size. Upside is that it's still confined to the lungs.

I'm starting a new round of chemo on Monday. Hope that side effects will not be too bad. But I've coped before and I'm going to just keep on going.

It's very difficult to hear after one year of the disease being stable. I had such high hopes with Tarceva. It just was not for me. Too bad.

In as much as this is bad, I'll continue to fight and live as best I can as long as possible. So, I'll need more prayers from you all.

Brief History

Some have been asking for a quick rundown so here it is.

In Dec 2005, I had a routine physical just coz I turned 30 that year. I was expecting a clean bill of health. But I did mention to the doctor that my father had a heart attack in his late 30's so they did an EKG.

Everything was fine except for the EKG. There were some abnormalities that they could not even determine with a sonogram of the heart.

Jan 2006 - So I saw a cardiologist. She did a CT scan of the heart. Turns out my heart was great. Although my lungs had cancer. So a pulmonologist verified it to be Stage 3B Non Small Cell Lung Cancer (Bronchio Alveolar Adenocarcinoma). It was inoperable since I had it in both lungs and it had spread thru the lymphatic system. (Usually a cancer grows in tumors. Mine had spread into thousands of tiny little tumors all over the lungs.) I started to see my oncologist.

I started treatment Feb 28, 2006. My first regimen consisted of Cisplatin and Taxotere on a 21 day cycle. I receive treatment at my doctor's office - Virginia Cancer Care in Loudoun county.

May 2006 - I had a CT scan that showed no change. My doctor and I decided to move to a gentler regimen so that I can work. My new regimen consisted of Carboplatin and Gemzar. Since the side effects were not too bad, I started to go back to work full time.

Aug 2006 - My doctor got insurance authorization to start me on Avastin.

Jan 2007 - PET scan showed no significant change. Again, we changed my regimen - Tarceva (since it has shown promising results on young, non-smoking Asian females) and Avastin. I'm not on chemo anymore. I'm on targeted therapy.

May 2007 - PET scan showed that the primary tumor has doubled in size. And that the spread of the cancer is now more dense in the right lung than before. We're changing the regimen again. Avastin and Alimta (chemo) every 21 days.

Birthday sigh...

Yup, I've turned 32. I'm very thankful for another birthday. Didn't know if I'd make it this long.

I was blogging a lot in March - then my birthday came. I thought I ought to say something reflective about the last year. Honestly, the only nice thing I can think of is - Thank God, it's over! That was a difficult year.

On my desk is a calendar from last year. It was stuck on December. I had not ordered a new one coz I had Outlook. Well, I flipped it so that it shows Jan again. Then it dawned on me that when I was jotting down on that page last year - I had no idea. If I flipped through the months, I know I'd relive the moments as I saw each doctor's appointment. I'd remember how scared I was. How utterly terrified. Looking a month ahead was uncertain.

Months later, as my life was more normal and my illness had stabilized, so did my panic.

Thank God, it's over!

No more mushy armpits

I've just tried Eucerin the last couple of days. It's better than petrolium jelly. I feel the moisture just seep into my skin. It's not hanging out on the outside like the other jelly. It's greasy for about an hour or so but no mushy armpits.

The other night, I tried sleeping in just a big shirt. I'm a restless sleeper so I really move around in my sleep. In the morning, my legs were very dry from rubbing against the sheets. Then I tried wearing leggings at night. That seems to work. PJ's roll up to my knees so I'd be dry from the knees down.

One more thing I do at night is sleep with a humidifier. Keeps the skin moist. Especially inside your nostrils. It's not fun being dry in there. If you need more moisture, rub some lotion with a Q-tip.