Saturday, June 26, 2010

Sheer Positivity

I'm actually doing quite well after my first round of chemo.  Single agent - Taxotere.  Since it is on it's own, there's hardly any side effects.  I didn't even have any nausea brought on by fear. 
After a LOT of prayer and surrenderring my life to the Lord, I'm at a good place.  He's given me comfort and peace. 
Yesterday was actually an awesome day.  I was surrounded with love.  I have to say thanks to Pat, Linda and Lisa.  My friends who went out of their way to spend time with me yesterday.  Especially Pat who sat with me through chemo.  I came to such realizations yesterday.  I was telling her thet I usually go through chemo alone and it never let it bother me.  I know I can ask any of my great friends to sit with me there and they would come in a heartbeat.  But it always bothered me to impose.  She was telling me how she enjoyed our time together and how much she wanted to be there for me.  That just touched me to the core. It took the whole day but our time spent together just got more special every time I looked back on it. I don't have to go through this alone?  I never expected this relief.  Like I said, I never let it bother me but it has. 
It's not like I've never had someone sit with me before.  (Sorry but I just can't recall at the moment who.  Please remind me if you remember.  This does not count my family - more on that later.)  But at this stage of the game, I needed it more than I thought.  My spirit is tired and the physical company rejuvenates me.  So, Pat, I'm so glad you insisted on being there.
Why do I discount my family?  That's my hubby, my daughter, Mom, brothers, in-laws, aunts, uncles, cousins...  These are the people I live for - especially my immediate family.  I can not leave them.  I can't even think about it without breaking down.  I so desperately want to stay because of them.  They are the reason I live.  I'm not scared of death.  I'm scared of leaving such a void in my family.  I have been so blessed.  To those whom much is given, much is expected.  If this is the cross I must bear everyday, they make it all worthwhile.  But when I'm at chemo, I'm at my most vulnerable.  Many fears come up.  The desperation I feel makes it difficult to be strong.  I seems that having a friend with me does not bring up this desperation.
It also helped that there's no side effects bothering me this time.  Thank God.  It's easier to be spiritually strong when I'm not physically miserable.  He truly does provide me with all I need.
When Pat took me home, she had to go to work.  So, she got me lunch and made sure I was settled.  She asked if I was going to be alone, I said no.  A friend was coming by after work even if hadn't asked Lisa yet - I knew she'd come.  Even better was when around 3pm, Linda calls and comes by to visit for a while.  She stayed with me until Lisa got here.
I'm not usually alone in the house.  It's just that this treatment wasn't planned until the day before.  My Mom-in-law and Burke had gone out of town for a couple of days.  They'll be back later.  So will my Mom actually.  This summer, Burke will have 2 grandmas around to spoil her.
I loved how dinner played out last night.  Lisa and I have a great time just hanging out.  We were just literally sitting on the couch laughing our patooties off.  I was showing her my wedding album.  She asked where I had my reception.  The cowboys with meat on sticks made her curious.  I'm like, "You've never been to a churascharria?  Brazilian steakhouse?".  I immediately call Kel and tell him we're taking Lisa to Texas de Brazil.  I had not eaten that much in a long time.  I'm not sure if it's the sterroids kicking in or what but I had an appetite.  I must have gained at least 3 pounds.  It was an insane amount of meat.  It was yummy!!!!!!!!!  We were all still laughing our patooties off at the restaurant.  I'm not sure if that helped our digestion but it sure was fun!
So I had a really good day yesterday.  I look forward to the future.  God is with me.  He'll help me through this.  Bring it on!
Thanks to everyone who is praying for me and sending wonderful thoughts and positive vibes.  It helps me more than you know.  If healing was a democratic thing, I would have been healed a long time ago.  This also touches me and strengthens my spirit. 
Some people have asked whether China was a waste.  I can not indulge in regret since it weakens my spirit.  I acknowledge that it took a lot of resources and it did not bring the outcome we all so desperately wanted.  But, I met a lot of good people there.  The doctors really did give it their best shot.  I'm still waiting to hear from them.  I want to know what they recommend after seeing my PET scans.  Although I don't think I'm going back since it is really expensive to travel there.  If it's gonna be chemo, I'll just get that here where my insurance will pay for it.
I'm currently reading a really good book.  Defying Gravity by Caroline Myss.  I'm not done yet but the one truth that resonates in my soul from his book is that not all pain is bad.  Sometimes, we need the pain and illness to transform into the beings we are meant to be.

1 comment:

John said...

Hey cuz!

Still cheering you on!!!