It's been 3 years since my diagnosis. My doctor tells me that I've beaten all the odds. Usually, those diagnosed with Stage 4 NSCLC (non-small cell lung cancer) don't last a year after diagnosis. (She just told me about that statistic.) Dana Reves (Christopher Reves' wife) died in 8 months.
But despite all the hardship, (believe me, it's been hard -- on both me and my family) I'm still hopeful and optimistic. I must be doing something right. There must be a reason for all this pain and suffering.
Am I angry? I honestly feel that anger is a useless emotion. Sometimes, I let myself be angry. Then I let it go. I'm more frustrated. It's frustrating to see no improvement. It's even more frustrating when you see it slowly getting worse.
So I try to just stop. Let go of the past. Release the anger, frustration and anxiety. And try to focus on the future. I fantasize (or I project myself into a better future) my doctor telling me I have a negative PET scan. Whenever I pray for healing, I believe that it will be given. And I trust in the natural order of the universe which is life.
I will survive this. This is the future that I choose.
I will be there in our 10th year anniversary. We'll renew our vows in Bohol.
I will be there to see my daughter grow into that awesome adult I know she will be.
We will be there, happy and healthy, to give away our daughter in her wedding 20 years from now.
I will be there.