Monday, February 16, 2009

3 years now...

It's been 3 years since my diagnosis. My doctor tells me that I've beaten all the odds. Usually, those diagnosed with Stage 4 NSCLC (non-small cell lung cancer) don't last a year after diagnosis. (She just told me about that statistic.) Dana Reves (Christopher Reves' wife) died in 8 months.

But despite all the hardship, (believe me, it's been hard -- on both me and my family) I'm still hopeful and optimistic. I must be doing something right. There must be a reason for all this pain and suffering.

Am I angry? I honestly feel that anger is a useless emotion. Sometimes, I let myself be angry. Then I let it go. I'm more frustrated. It's frustrating to see no improvement. It's even more frustrating when you see it slowly getting worse.

So I try to just stop. Let go of the past. Release the anger, frustration and anxiety. And try to focus on the future. I fantasize (or I project myself into a better future) my doctor telling me I have a negative PET scan. Whenever I pray for healing, I believe that it will be given. And I trust in the natural order of the universe which is life.

I will survive this. This is the future that I choose.

I will be there in our 10th year anniversary. We'll renew our vows in Bohol.
I will be there to see my daughter grow into that awesome adult I know she will be.
We will be there, happy and healthy, to give away our daughter in her wedding 20 years from now.
I will be there.

7 comments:

Dean said...

I am so happy to see a new post! I haven't even read it yet, I had to post just seeing it! Hey, my mom is from Bohol, Albur to be precise...

xyz said...

Hi, Dean,
Thanks for regularly checking my site.

My Mother-in-law is also from Bohol. I've been there once and always wanted to go back.

xyz

Dean said...

I'm glad to hear you're on treatment again though I'm sorry to hear that the latest round is so tough on you. But for you to have battled this for 3 years - you're amazing. Keep up the positive thoughts and your determination, I have no doubt they are helping you in your fight. I'm praying every day for you to have a clean scan again.

On another note, there are hopefully some positive treatments coming out in the future. The Kanzius treatment seems promising, I wish they would hurry up with it. And hopefully some of the non-resistant EGFR drugs like BIBW 2992 make it to market soon.

Keep your chin up and keep up the fight! And post when you can so we can fight with you. Sending you some energy for 2/19 :o)

Anonymous said...

xyz...

So, so glad to see your posts. I, too, am following your progress with all hopes that you stay strong and continue with your fight. My brother, 31, was diagnosed in late December and is currently in treatment. He is going in today for the same pleurodesis procedure that I read about on your Nov. post when I first found your blog.

Take care and I look forward to your future posts.
jd

xyz said...

Dean,

Thanks for your support and positive energy. As well as the really good info! I'll check out those treatments.

xyz

xyz said...

JD,
Tell your brother to always hold on to hope. Do whatever it takes but he must always BELEIVE.

I'll keep him in my prayers as well.

xyz

JOhn said...

why don't we just use RF and zap the shit out of those tumors?

it's not indicated for lung cancer, due to lack of clinical data (ie it is very new) but in the hands of the right surgeon it could dance circles around chemo.

If your insurance does not cover it, i'm sure we an all chip in and pay for it. it's a one time deal so no need to worry about maintenance costs.

See i'm economically savy as well...

:)

luv u

John