Wednesday, March 01, 2006

chemo cycle 1 - days 2 and 3

Yesterday (Tue) was not too bad. I was expecting to wake up just feeling the absolute worst but I was actually okay. I felt some nausea - I knew it was there but it didn't bother me.

I drove myself to the doctor's office about 20 mins drive. I needed to get shots to make sure my blood counts don't go down. She also administered more fluids to protect my kidneys. They also gave me anti-nausea meds which took care of that.

I didn't drink my anti-nausea pill that morning coz I just wanted to see how severe it was going to be. I thought that if it was not too bad, I'd skip those pills. Well, the nurses all said it just isn't worth the suffering. My body is already going through a lot and nausea will make it so much worse. So, as soon as I got home, I popped my anti-nausea pill.

When I got home, I felt really weak though. That was another side effect - fatigue. It's really draining. I just got into bed and stayed there. In as much as I hated getting up, I felt much better after having moved some. So I'd make it a point to really drink a lot of water so that I'm forced to go to the bathroom and stretch.

The love of my life, Kel, asked me what I wanted for dinner. Only one thing - puchero. It's a simple beef stew with lots of veggies. He had to go to the grocery to get me the veggies. By 6:30 pm I was really hungry, so he panfried all the veggies so they'd all be cooked by the time the beef was ready in the pressure cooker. It hit the spot!!!

At night, I made some phone calls. I like hearing encouraging voices on the other end of the line. I got to talk to KEE, JKZ and Eve. Usually, people would marvel at how well I'm taking this. Well, I'm just not the depressed brooder type. I can't control the fact that I have cancer, but I can control my attitude. Keeping that positive attitude makes it easier for me to cope. I have hope and faith and the love of many people who are constantly storming the heavens with prayer. I continue to cling to this hope for there is just no alternative for me. I'm determined to live through this and see my amazing daughter bloom into the awesome person God made her out to be. I can't think of leaving my beloved Kel either... It's too difficult.

TODAY (day 3)
Just fatigue. I have only enough energy to write my e-mails and put an entry into my blog.

So, if it's just fatigue that I'm facing, I think I can handle this... Lazing in bed while fighting off cancer isn't too bad. Of course, I'm still praying every 3 hours or so and begging for a healing.

Thanks to all those who are praying for me as well. That means a lot to me.

Another difficult situation is that my beloved husband, Kel and my lovely daughter, Burke are both sick with colds. I have to stay in the bedroom isolated from them. Chemotherapy raveges the immune system so a cold could possibly kill me. It's just so hard to tell my 3 year old that I can't play with her. I actually threaten to send her to our uncle's place if she can't stay away from me. In as much as she loves our uncle and the whole family, she would still rather be with us. And it breaks my heart to have to drag her away. She really is our angelic inspiration even if she moves like the tasmanian devil (of Looney Toons fame).

MORE ON DAY 3 (10pm)

Now I can officially say that I do not feel good. I have no pain whatsoever. Neither do I have any energy. I eat every few hours. I drink as much water as I can - which by now has this weird metallic taste in my mouth - an expected side-effect. Expecting a side effect and actually feeling it is very different. I told the doc that I can make myself drink bad tasting water if I have to. Currently, I have no desire whatsoever. So, I'm downing orange juice. Or, I'd have a grape after the water. The tart sweetness is a good ending to the brash metallic liquid the water has turned out to be. Yes, I'm feeling very dramatic tonight. -- That's how I'm ending my rants...

I'm shaking myself out of this vicious complaining. I hate to complain... (Although, I have to admit, it's a guilty pleasure at times). I can't get into that now. I'm only on the 3rd day of my 1st cycle! What kind of wimp am I? I'm no wimp. If fatigue is all it is, I'll get through it. Drinking 5 to 10 glasses of toxic tasting water if I have to!!!

A lifetime ago, I used to be an athlete... I swam competitively and I rode a bike for some time too. During the worst times of a workout, I'd imagine Jesus suffering on the cross. Compared to that, my pain would turn into slight discomfort and I would just trudge on. I did my workouts to train my body to be better. Every sore muscle would be a victory. I'm trying to get back into that attitude. The difficulty being, I'm scared sh*tless at every step I take. I rest all day and I just have no energy. Which is very weird for me. I'm the type who cannot sit still. I'm always bursting with energy, ideas, laughter and sunshine.

Now, the closest I feel to Jesus is during the Agony in the Garden when he asked God the Father to "Take this cup away from me."

I always looked up to my father. When he went through cancer, he was 57. All he said was, "I've had such a great life filled with blessings. God gave this to me so I can share in His agony. I accept it wholeheartedly." He hardly complained for someone who was in so much pain. This is how I intended to go through my cancer. But the chemo is now wearing on my body. This is just the start. I'm not so confident that I'll be as brave but I still hang on to my faith and hope. Somehow, I'll get through this. Not alone. I have my family, friends and God.


Krish said...

I pray god to give you the strength to overcome what you are going through. Radhika forwarded me your blog and I am her husband. I was reading the comments for your blog and I am surprised to see that the very first comment written for your blog suits well for current situation. I think those comments are the god's words to you.

Larnice said...

You are a true inspiration. You’re so strong and optimistic. I know there are ups and downs, but the fact that your approach is to imagine Jesus Suffering on the Cross, speaks volumes about your faith and how powerful your thoughts are. I know I’m not a parent, but I feel the urge to say, I’m soooo proud of you :-)