Yes, I seem to be in a blogging streak. A friend of mine reacted to a recent article and commended me on my writing. (Actually, I got a lot of compliments. Thanks! Keep sending the love!) But what really got me was that a really close relative (alright, it was my brother) was really surprised on how good I was. (I was shocked that he was shocked. How can he not know?!?!) I guess, I developed my writing style and found my eloquence in high school since I was reading so much. My brothers had left the house by then. My parents knew. I had them edit my writing projects. I shared their passion for the written word.
My last couple of articles were very personal. I even had second thoughts about publishing them. "Go with the flow" I felt I had to publish. The point being - I got the flow even through chemotherapy. But who wants to read about menstruation? So I published another article so that "Go with the flow" would not be the first article. (I had sent out a e-mail announcement to everyone for the birthday article just the week before.)
But then "hard pound" came out to be a little risque. It was funny, but I was not about to send out my newsletter announcing to all that I had updated my blog. (Ok, I sent out a link to a smaller audience who I'd think would enjoy it.) I couldn't imagine sending it to my mom or uncles or aunts. I'd be too embarrassed to have them read it. It would just be weird. I know they'll eventually stumble upon the article. I'm just delaying the inevitable.
I remember being in a room with my mom, aunt and uncle. My mom made a joke -- she said the reason my husband was not at the party was because I tired him out the night before. *wink* *wink* *snicker* *snicker* I really had to leave the room. I smiled my big smile and walked out. It was too awkward. (Mom, I don't care if you joke or talk about my sex life. I just don't wanna hear it. It's just too weird.)
There's the crux of the matter. I wear different personalities depending on my audience. I will put on the mask that will put me in the best light. But on my blog, I open myself up to the world. People who I know and don't know. People who know me and don't know me. Know what really scares me? The people who already know me to be a certain way. When I write, different facets of my personality show. Yes, I'm a tough cancer fighter who is running on spirit and positive attitude to survive. I am also a proud mother to a very smart and sassy daughter that I love watching cartoons and kid shows with. I'm a very loving wife to my husband who I'd do a striptease for in the bedroom for MY enjoyment. I wear orange underwear. I've read the Harry Potter series. I find it difficult to criticize a person so I usually soften the blow with some sort of compliment.
So, I'm laying it all out here. I'm letting go of the fear of what I think others will think of me from my writing. I'm releasing my true self. Hear my true voice.