What's in a name?

My real name is Xenia. It's the X in xyz, which are my real initials, by the way. My mother is very creative. I thank her for such a unique name. It's saved me quite a few times. My mother's favorite story is when I was interviewed for Kindergarden, the principal asked me my name and I mentioned that my inintials are xyz. He told us that I would be accepted in the school but come the first day, we could not find my name. We went back to the principal and yes, he remembers xyz. So in school, I was always known as Xenia. From Kindergarden to High School.

But at home, I'm referred to as Cheng. This is the name I grew up with. It's Xenia mispronounced. It was I who mispronounced it as a little kid. Why my family let me rename myself, I don't know. (I must have been 2 years old. I had no business renaming anything, let alone, myself.) But it stuck. If you call me Cheng, I know that you've known me since I was a kid or you were introduced to me by someone who did.

Cheng is actually short for Cheng-Cheng. I used to sign notes to my friends as Cheng2 (Cheng squared). I was REALLY little when I named myself that. I have no other defense. But it's common back home to have a name that repeats. A cousin of mine got married and the maid of honor and brides maids were (nick)named: Au-au, Cheng-Cheng, Deng-Deng and Tel-Tel. The bride didn't have a repeating nickname but her husband does --> Jojo.

Then in college, I decided to rename myself once again. I thought that Xenia was a little too adult and stuck up. Plus, it was a name that was difficult to recall. Cheng was out of the question. I wanted to be known as XYZ. You can't really pronounce XYZ. It's 3 of the weirdest letters put together. So I started to introduce myself as XY (2 letters called out). Then I signed everything XYZ. I thought that it would be cool to have such an unforgettable name. Actually, not so much. Everyone remembered my name. And I forgot all of theirs.

I met my husband in college. So he knew me as XY. When he introduced me to some of his friends, he was mis-heard and thought that I was his "ex-wife".

Another friend of mine commented that XY sounds too much like a screen name for a porn star.

Now, it's back to Xenia as my formal name. That's how I'm known at work. Then Cheng for the house/family.

I think I've grown into Xenia. It's a Greek name meaning hospitable. (Yes, I have boundary issues which I'm working on.) It's also very unique. I've decided that I like being unique.

I rag on Cheng as my name. But despite it's humble origins (straight from a babe's mouth), it's a huge part of who I am. Cheng calls to my inner child. Maybe that's why in so many ways I have not grown up. Yes, I still watch cartoons. I don't even mind watching kid shows with my daughter now. We're stuck on the Disney Channel. Funny thing is that I put that on even when my daughter is not around.

I conciously try to keep child-like wonder in my life. People say I'm always happy and excited. Well, I appreciate the smallest things. And I try not to cling to objects or circumstances. Then change is easier to take since it's always new and exciting.

Cheng has actually morphed. I was renamed by my neice - Lyka (Formal name: Angelica). She - and the rest of my family (my brothers and their families) now call me TaTweng. That's taken from Tita (Aunt; Tia) Cheng. Mish-Mashed together. Cheng grew up into the silly aunt.

Scattergories

This was forwarded to me by e-mail. Quite proud of myself (I'm a great Googler).

Subject: SCATTERGORIES

SCATTERGORIES- it's harder than it looks! Copy and paste into a new email. When you have answered all the Scattegories, send it on to friends but DON'T FORGET to return it to the person who sent it to you. Use the first letter of your first name to answer each of the following. They have to be real places, names, things - nothing made up. Try to use different answers if the person in front of you had the same first initial - which by the way is hard if you already have read their answers! You cannot use your own name for the boy/girl names.


1. What is your name? Xenia

2. A 4 letter word: X-ray

3. A vehicle: xebec --> small three-masted pirate ship

4. A city: Xenia, Ohio

5. A boy's name: Xavier

6. A girl's name: Xena

7. Alcoholic drink: Xanthia Cocktail --> (http://www.webtender.com/db/drink/994)

8. An occupation: xenagogue --> guide; someone who conducts strangers

9. Something you wear: Xhiliration (brand)

11. A food: xiphias --> swordfish

12. Something found in a bathroom: x-rated magazines

13. Reason for being late: eXcuse? (get it?)

15. Something you shout: Xtreme!

16. An animal: xeme --> fork tailed gull

17. A body part: xanthochroia --> (yellowness of skin)

18. Word to describe yourself: xenial --> adj. hospitable

Two years later...

After another long hiatus, I'm back. Yes, for a while there I forgot my password but miraculously remembered it today.

Early in December, I was scanned again and I actually got really good news. The tumor had shrunk in size and the metabolic activity diminished. That sounds good all around and my doctor was very happy. So I was just ecstatic. It was a great Christmas present. I called most of my close family and friends.

It's been two years this month that I was diagnosed. Honestly, I don't know what of all I'm doing is keeping me feeling as great as I do. But, for whatever reason, I know I'm blessed and just darned lucky - and I'm very grateful.

My life is as normal as can be. I have a great career! I'm working my tail off and I'm getting accolades and promotions. I just came back from conducting training in the opposite side of the country. And tomorrow, I'm off to chemo. And the next day, I'll be at work doing a job I really like.

I have such a rich family life. I watch my daughter grow every day... that's enough material right there for another blog. She's awesome to behold. She really is the best of me and her father. My mom used to say that about me (having the best qualities of her and my dad) but I did not fully understand it until I saw myself through my daughter. (Yes, I see her father in her to -- but this is about me.) I saw such strength in this girl. That was something I had to consciously work on over the years. Last month, I just saw my 5 year old daughter go through a root canal without flinching. Her dentist was so impressed. She told Burke that she had much bigger kids who were not even half as brave. So, Burke got extra prizes. Of course, I demanded for my own prize. Hey! I feel like I derserved it. I mean, I had to watch my daughter go through it!!! Burke peeled a princess sticker and stuck it on my sweater. (She's strong AND generous. What more can a parent ask for?) I proudly wore my princess sticker to work.

I can't even fathom missing that.

Then there's Michael, my husband, who is my best friend and the love of my life. We laugh everyday. And even deeper than our everyday life together, we share such a connection that makes us one. A friend of mine told me once that he'd want to die before his wife since he did not want to emotionally deal with losing her. (He was young and single then.) I was gone for three days last week. When I got back, Michael took me in his arms and I felt just how much he missed me. He didn't even need to say it. I would to everything I can to stay alive if only to save him from devastating hurt. Thank God, it's been working.

I'll leave it at that for now. I hope this serves as an inspiration for people. There is hope even after a cancer diagnosis. I'll put in the medical details in the next entry. From here on out, I'll be blogging more about my life which may or may not relate to cancer. At one point, that was what was stopping me from blogging. My life is so normal, there's no cancer news.

For those with cancer, good luck, keep your hopes up with faith or whatever you can cling to. I chose faith since I was raised Catholic. My whole life was training until the point that I was diagnosed. When I needed it, it just kicked in. When I needed Him, God carried me.

I also have to mention my family and friends who pray for me or send me positive vibes. So much love coming my way from all directions. I smile whenever I think of that.

Feeling blue? Meditate on this -- you really have to believe it -- say from the depths of your soul, "I am loved, I am love." Visualize the people who love you. Feel how much you love them back. Then take it down to the depths of the earth. Mother Earth. She loves you and nurtures you since you are of her. Then take it to the heavens. Feel the love of God (or the energy of the universe) fill you up.

That pulled me out of one of the worst chemo funks I've ever had. It took a few days and some help from my friends (who are energy healers). But it worked. I am very grateful.

Hair Whack

I've been growing my hair for almost a year now. When I was almost bald (my peach fuzz phase) I wore a hat all the time. A couple of months after, I had enough gumption to take it off and spike my hair (hedgehog phase). As it grew longer, I just looked like a boy with a bad hair cut. Recently, it turned into a mullet.

So I walk into a random hair salon. We were on our way home from the car dealer. Near the car dealer was the Hot Head salon.

They primarily spoke Korean. I was hoping language was not going to be a barrier. Since they had no other customer, they had the guy take care of me. He spoke even less english than the girls. But the girl had said, "He good hair cut." while making scissor signs with her hands.

They showed me the picture book and they asked me to pick a style. I closed it and said I just wanted them to trim the back since my mullet was tickling my nape and driving me nuts.

So the guy comes along and again I said I just want him to trim the back. He said no and started to flip through the picture book. I tried to explain that I didn't think I had enough hair to style. But he was pointing to this pixie cut that was kinda long in front. I asked him if he could do that and he nodded. So I surrendered myself to his layering scissors.

So he trimmed here and there. He was deliberate. He seemed to know what he was doing. When he was done cutting, my hair had a different feel to it already. Then he was talking about Hair Whack. What?!?!? Hair Whack he repeated. Then showed me a tub of hair wax. AHHH. He showed me how to work it into my hair.

It actually looked styled. I was very impressed. So much so that I bought a tub of that Hair Whack - excuse me - Hair Wax.

For the first time in about a year, I felt really good about my hair.

Here's a picture taken 6/30.

A week later...

I'm doing very well. I feel 100% normal again. Thank God!

The worst of it was Wed, I'd say. I was nauseous. My stomach was stormy. The nosebleeds did not hurt but they were a nuisance. A friend of mine helped me through the worst of it. She does energy healing. It's Reiki and more. She got rid of negative energy and put in some healing energy. I was back in the office by Friday.

We drove to New Jersey in the weekend. We had a great time with family just bonding. The Blessed Mother visited (block rosary) so we all prayed together.

So far, so good...

I had my chemo treament yesterday (Alimsta) and I'm at work right now. So far, so good. No adverse side effects and I'm willing it to stay that way.

Thank you so much to everyone who said a prayer or just even sent me good thoughts, intentions or good vibes. That is helping a lot! Please continue since I'm not out of the woods yet.

Hard Blow

Just got my PET scan results. It's not good. My primary tumor doubled in size. Upside is that it's still confined to the lungs.

I'm starting a new round of chemo on Monday. Hope that side effects will not be too bad. But I've coped before and I'm going to just keep on going.

It's very difficult to hear after one year of the disease being stable. I had such high hopes with Tarceva. It just was not for me. Too bad.

In as much as this is bad, I'll continue to fight and live as best I can as long as possible. So, I'll need more prayers from you all.

Brief History

Some have been asking for a quick rundown so here it is.

In Dec 2005, I had a routine physical just coz I turned 30 that year. I was expecting a clean bill of health. But I did mention to the doctor that my father had a heart attack in his late 30's so they did an EKG.

Everything was fine except for the EKG. There were some abnormalities that they could not even determine with a sonogram of the heart.

Jan 2006 - So I saw a cardiologist. She did a CT scan of the heart. Turns out my heart was great. Although my lungs had cancer. So a pulmonologist verified it to be Stage 3B Non Small Cell Lung Cancer (Bronchio Alveolar Adenocarcinoma). It was inoperable since I had it in both lungs and it had spread thru the lymphatic system. (Usually a cancer grows in tumors. Mine had spread into thousands of tiny little tumors all over the lungs.) I started to see my oncologist.

I started treatment Feb 28, 2006. My first regimen consisted of Cisplatin and Taxotere on a 21 day cycle. I receive treatment at my doctor's office - Virginia Cancer Care in Loudoun county.

May 2006 - I had a CT scan that showed no change. My doctor and I decided to move to a gentler regimen so that I can work. My new regimen consisted of Carboplatin and Gemzar. Since the side effects were not too bad, I started to go back to work full time.

Aug 2006 - My doctor got insurance authorization to start me on Avastin.

Jan 2007 - PET scan showed no significant change. Again, we changed my regimen - Tarceva (since it has shown promising results on young, non-smoking Asian females) and Avastin. I'm not on chemo anymore. I'm on targeted therapy.

May 2007 - PET scan showed that the primary tumor has doubled in size. And that the spread of the cancer is now more dense in the right lung than before. We're changing the regimen again. Avastin and Alimta (chemo) every 21 days.

Birthday sigh...

Yup, I've turned 32. I'm very thankful for another birthday. Didn't know if I'd make it this long.

I was blogging a lot in March - then my birthday came. I thought I ought to say something reflective about the last year. Honestly, the only nice thing I can think of is - Thank God, it's over! That was a difficult year.

On my desk is a calendar from last year. It was stuck on December. I had not ordered a new one coz I had Outlook. Well, I flipped it so that it shows Jan again. Then it dawned on me that when I was jotting down on that page last year - I had no idea. If I flipped through the months, I know I'd relive the moments as I saw each doctor's appointment. I'd remember how scared I was. How utterly terrified. Looking a month ahead was uncertain.

Months later, as my life was more normal and my illness had stabilized, so did my panic.

Thank God, it's over!

No more mushy armpits

I've just tried Eucerin the last couple of days. It's better than petrolium jelly. I feel the moisture just seep into my skin. It's not hanging out on the outside like the other jelly. It's greasy for about an hour or so but no mushy armpits.

The other night, I tried sleeping in just a big shirt. I'm a restless sleeper so I really move around in my sleep. In the morning, my legs were very dry from rubbing against the sheets. Then I tried wearing leggings at night. That seems to work. PJ's roll up to my knees so I'd be dry from the knees down.

One more thing I do at night is sleep with a humidifier. Keeps the skin moist. Especially inside your nostrils. It's not fun being dry in there. If you need more moisture, rub some lotion with a Q-tip.

My love/hate relationship with petrolium jelly

Yes, my skin is not hurting and I'd like to keep it that way. Vaseline helps it stay that way. But it's really uncomfortable. My armpits are mushy. EEEEWWWW!!!!

I love it... I hate it... I'm looking for something else!

Relieved...

Yes, my last post was bad. It was very difficult. I'm much better now.

Two weeks ago, I started applying moisturizing foundation on my face over my regular stuff. At first I was self concious because the foundation was slightly darker than my actual skin tone. And I laid it on. You could really see it. At least, I could. But I started to get compliments that my face cleared up. I'd confess that it was make-up. Nice to know that people notice.

My face felt really great! I had no problems with it. The foundation did provide extra moisture plus sunscreen. It actually cleared up my face. My face does not sting anymore when I apply Eucerin. I think my skin has healed.

My back was another story. I can't properly moisturize my back simply coz I can't reach everything even if I'm really flexible. I mentioned in an earlier post that I would apply grapeseed oil all over my body after my shower (morning and night). My skin would just dry up in less than an hour. It was worse than baby oil. That at least lasted a couple hours. So I started to moisturize every couple hours with various lotions. I found that Lubriderm with Shea and Cocoa Butter was the best. It stung a little while I was still extra dry. Apply aloe gel first then the lotion will help lessen the sting considerably. So most of my body was okay... except my back which started to really hurt. I would move slightly and it would feel like the skin was about to tear.

I had just bought Burt's Bees Body Butter. It was great on most areas of my skin (that had already started to heal since I was moisturizing every couple of hours). I had my mom put it on my back. Bad idea. It was made with honey and orange wax. It felt like someone whipped my back then squeezed oranges (limes even) on it. That lasted a good 10 minutes.

The next day, I put on the grapeseed oil again in the morning and was very dry by lunch. Don't ask how it felt in the afternoon. I don't know how I did any work, honestly. Anyway, that night, I asked my mom to apply Aquaphor on my back. That's a burn remedy. It's main ingredient is petrolanium(?). Yup, major petrolium product. I've been avoiding this and Vaseline petrolium jelly because they feel so yucky on the skin plus, they are by products of refining crude oil. But it's the only product(s) that have relieved my skin. I now only moisturize twice a day (morning and night) with Vaseline Petrolium Jelly. It's greasy as heck. I don't know how I'm gonna cope in the summer. But at least I'm not hurting.

It's tolerable or at least it isn't abject suffering...

I've posted somewhere on one of the cancer boards that the side effects of Tarceva was painful but tolerable. At least, it's not abject suffering. That's my position about 95% of the time. Twice a day, as part of my daily routine, I exfoliate my face. That's where the rash is the worst. At that time, it is abject suffering. It stings like anything. Of course, it varies, sometimes it's better than others. But usually it does sting. (Tonight was a good night. It was not too bad.)

Applying oil (Vitamin E oil) on it is okay. Then the Eucerin to seal in the moisture. I use this special Calming Creme that Eucerin just came out with for people with very sensitive skin. It's anything but calming. It feels like I have many small cuts on my face and the lotion just gets into them then burns! As soon as I apply the lotion, I need to do 2 laps around the house reciting the Memorare and asking all the Saints to intercede for my petitions. After that, I'm good for about 8 hours.

My husband has asked me why I do this to myself. Can't I look for other products that won't sting? I have to admit that I should do that soon. But for now, I have to go through this twice a day because the alternative is actually worse. If I don't exfoliate and extra moisturize, the skin on my face will feel like brittle paper that will tear at any facial gesture. Even with the extra moinsturizer, I find it hard to open my mouth too wide. The skin on the sides of my mouth feel like they're gonna tear.

So, I cope. I cope with prayer. I've found that the pain makes the prayer feel more sincere. Or at least it's easier to really focus on the prayer. I offer my sufferings to Him for His greater glory. Then the pain seems insignificant then it fades away.

And He said,

"Cast your burdens upon me,

Those who are heavily laden

Come to me all of you who are tired

Of carrying heavy loads

For the yoke I will give you is easy

And My burden is light

Come to Me and I will give you rest."

Lift Up Your Hands - Basil Valdez
Based on Psalm 55:22

On the pill. My new regimen.

Here's the latest on my treatment. I'm still on Avastin (once every 3 weeks) and the new pill - Tarceva (once a day). I started this regimen end of January.

My doctor and I are very excited. I happen to be in the demographic that shows great results with this pill. Young, non-smoking, Asian female. I'll be scanned after 3 months (early May) to see how the cancer has reacted to this pill.

My life is still normal. I still work full-time. I'm still really busy. Although, I did get the rash which is the side-effect of Tarceva. The rash is a sign that the pill is working. I got it after the first week. It started in my face. I expected this because it was described to me by the doctor and I've read it on websites. But I did not expect it to hurt. The skin on my face was so dry. I stopped soaping for a while. Then it came to a point when it was just stinging all day. So, I searched online for some relief.

That's when I found Christine's site (http://www.practicaltruisms.com). I explored her site and was inspired by her story and her wisdom. There was a section there that described a whole regimen that helped her look great while taking Tarceva. I'm on a regimen that is similar. I use different products but the regimen is the same. Instead of using Almond oil, I use Vitamin E oil (sesame oil base). Why? My husband had some left over that he wasn't using.

My rash has now spread to my chest. There's a little on my nape. I'm starting to see some spots on my arms and legs. So, for my body, I switched from baby oil which is a petrolium based product to grapeseed oil. (I feel like a kabob ready to be grilled every morning.) Why grapeseed oil? It's not petrolium based and it was on sale. I've only tried it today for the first time. So we'll see if that helps the new spots on my arms and legs. I have to say it's not as good as the baby oil. The skin on my legs feel like they are going to tear. I'm not sure if it's the grapeseed oil. I've been feeling drier and drier lately even if I'm drinking enough water to drown me.

I'm not much of a girly girl. I do not wear make-up. My skin was never flawless but I never let that bother me. I always knew that people were drawn to me not because of my looks. But there are times when this rash makes me feel hideous. I look in the mirror and OMG!!! So, I'm usually in a hat. Then I saw a picture of me. The hat makes me look like Chairman Mao - or at least, a Chinese comrade. So, tomorrow, I'm adding make-up to my morning routine. Full creme moisturizing foundation SPF-15 plus full gloss lipstick. (One of Christine's tips.)

Even if I look hideous, no one ever treated me badly or different. Even in the office or anywhere else. Well, those people in the office know me and they're like family. The only reason I'm doing the make-up is so that I don't have to feel too bad when I look at myself. I've got self-esteem up the wazoo but I have to say... I look hideous. That's just a fact. I don't feel bad about it because it's part of my getting better. And it's only temporary.

It's been a year since my diagnosis. For some reason, I have a very strong feeling that I'm going to beat this. I have faith. Many people who love and care for me are praying for me and cheering me on. Thank you so much!!!

Happy New Year!

Happy New Year to everyone!!!

It's been a long time since my last post. I'll try to post more often. I'll even try to fill in the missing months. (Hoping that if I publish my intention, I might follow through.)

We (Mom, Michael, Burke and I) were in California this holiday season. I got to see my brothers and lots and lots of cousins. Thanks to Manny, Tita Hermie, Tito Bobby and family for driving up from LA!!! See our pictures… http://photos.yahoo.com/mrsxdizon

Just got back the results of my last scan (Friday). The tumor is almost exactly the same. Stopping it dead in is tracks is not a bad result.

So I’ve got 2 options. 1) Continue with my chemo as it is and 2) Change to a maintenance pill that has shown promising results. I’m still researching and before deciding. Either way, it’s a gamble. I don’t know how long the current treatment will be effective. (Honestly, I don’t want to go back to chemo.) But the new pill is very new. Plus side effect is bad acne (REALLY BAD).

It's a tough decision...

That's pretty much where I am right now... Thanks for all your prayers. That means a lot to me and my family.

Freddie, Lyka and Ysabel's Easter visit

My brother, Freddie, and his 2 daughters, Lyka and Ysabel, visited over the Easter weekend. We had a blast!!! They arrived Friday night and Kel had a feast waiting for them. Pizza for the kids and prawns for the adults. YUM!

Burke really took to her cousins. They played all weekend. Saturday morning, all Lyka and Ysabel had to do was stare at Burke to wake her up. Seriously.

We didn't go anywhere since I didn't want to be out the first weekend of my treatment. We stayed home, reconnected. The kids did a lot of playing. We painted 5 dozen eggs! That's a tradition my parents started when Lyka was 3 years old and she visited us in Manila. We revivied it and had a great time.

We hid a dozen eggs in the living room for the kids to find. That lasted barely 30 minutes. They complained that they painted 5 dozen eggs and they only got to look for 4 eggs each. Well... We still had a great time...

Chemo Cycle 3 - Summary

This cycle was much better than the second one. I was pretty much recovered by Friday. Unlike the 2nd cycle, I wasn't really good until Sunday afternoon. I think having my cousins over the weekend before my treatment and having my bother and his daughters over the weekend after my treatment really boosted my spirit and energy. Someone had just told me that that is the sign of a true extrovert - I get my energy by reaching out to others in times of need.

I also started to walk about half an hour everyday. I try to go out under the sun. That really rejuvenates me. Just proves I'm solar powered, I guess.

My appetite was really bad, though. That awful taste in my mouth just made food almost gross. If it were not for the steroids that was making me absolutely ravenous, I would rather not eat. But I have no energy when I don't eat. It's a vicious cycle.

Kel just cooked everything I asked. Despite the times I would not eat what he cooks. Not because it's not good. He says it's worse than feeding a craving pregnant woman (nag-lilihi). God love him. Shucks, I love him.

Not just my husband but also my Mom would wait on me hand and foot. Everything I'd ask for, I'd get. Massage, prayers, food ... etc. Thank God for Mom.

One of the things I asked for that week was prawns in tamarind soup (sinigang na hipon). Of course, we didn't have any prawns and I didn't want Kel to go to the store just for one thing. That weekend, Tito Ben and Tita Esther came by with a couple of pounds of prawns!!! Dream come true! Thanks Tito Ben and Tita Esther!!! We had sinigang and halabos (sauteed in garlic).

This week also happened to be Holy Week. For Catholics, we remember the passion, death and resurrection of Christ. Our family also recalls Dad's major surgery removing the cancer from his spine. Now, my treatment week.

Out of the blue, a friend of mine called and was offering to share the Lady of Fatima with us this week. So, she was with us this week. I believe she was truly watching over us and listening to our petitions.

Let me end this with good news. My cough is gone! I'm not taking my industrial strength cough suppressant. My doctor says the tumor was probably crowding my bronchioles. That could probably be a sign of shrinkage. We'll know for sure mid-May when I get scanned again after the 4th cycle.

Zari and Yaz's visit

Two of my cousins visited from the west coast this last weekend. We had a blast!!! Despite the fact that they brought the rain with them ;-). The two full days they were here, it rained constantly. On the other hand, their mom says that the time they were here, it cleared up in the West. Hmmm.....

I had to be at the office last Friday. But I went home early. Kel and I picked up some groceries for a really nice but healthy (and easy to prepare since he had something to do) dinner. As soon as I got home, we started talking and eating (that's the theme this weekend). We had a great time preparing dinner which was a big salad, crusty whole grain bread which we dipped in olive oil and balsamic vinegar, quezo de bola, roasted red bell peppers, roasted asparagus, baked stuffed salmon (bought them stuffed), and cooked brocolini. Dessert was mascerated strawberries dipped in whipped cream and espresso.

The next day, the rain was on a constant drizzle. At first, I wanted to go driving around DC but due to the weather and the National Cherry Blossom Festival, we decided to just stay home, watch movies and gab all day.

When we started to brew our morning espresso, there was no milk in the fridge. So, I put on my jacket and jeans and said I'd go out to grab some milk. Yaz wanted to come so she changed. She came out of the room really put together. Her hair was fixed and she had makeup on. Then Zari wanted to tag along as well. Waited a little longer and she came out the same way. Now at this point, Burke wanted to come along as well as my mom.

I only planned to go to the close gocery but I felt so bad that we'd be back faster than it took them to get ready. So we went to Trader Joe's which was further. I even gave them a tour of our area first just so that they'd see more of our area.

This is when I realized that here is a big difference me and my cousins. Because, they were raised in a more feminine household, they take the time to look good. They've been like this as long as I'd known them. I, on the other hand, was raised in a house that was more masculine. I'm a no frills kind of girl. I don't even wear lipstick to work let alone just to go to the grocery. I really do not care how I look. But the girl inside me still could not help asking if I should. There was a time when I was like that. Back in college, I did my hair, makeup and even nails everyday. I was really kikay (girly). Although, it did happen on occasion that my nails had not dried yet and I was late or distracted, I'd go to school with only one hand done. I just felt so high maintenance. And now that I'm married and I have a daughter and a full time job in a very casual office, I don't bother. That girl inside me is more cowgirl than girl.

We got home and crashed on the couch to watch chick flicks (The Parent Trap and Ice Princess). We had nothing but chips and fruit and espresso or tea.

We then went to mass that afternoon and went to a restaurant nearby that served Spanish tapas (appetizers - not meat jerky as we Pinoys think). We were there a good couple hours just talking and enjoying the food. Of note was the marinated chicken that suspiciously seemed like duck. But the waitress insisted it was chicken. Good thing it tasted good. Another good thing was Burke liked the sliced pita with spinach and artichoke dip I introduced to her as chips.

We went home around 9pm. More talking. I really mean more talking. Zari, Yaz and I slept at 6am. Good thing they had a late flight.

Later that morning, Mom and Kel whipped up a spectacular blunch (more lunch than breakfast since we ate at noon). Bacon, Longanisa (sweet Pinoy sausages), fried eggs, tomatoes, green mangoes, salted eggs, rice and an assortment of fruit.

Then, they had to pack and run. But I'm glad they visited. We really had a blast. Just re-connecting and laughing at anything and everything. My favorite story is of our Tita's (aunt) niece who was new to the states at the time of Zari's wedding. She had to be told not to shorten Tita to Tits... I love fresh off the boat straight into a train wreck stories ...

I'm surprised at how close we are as cousins. We don't see each other often. We didn't grow up together. They moved to this country when Zari and I were in the first grade. We did not write to each other often. When we did, it was just small talk. But when I came to visit them when I was college, we just clicked. It's very easy for us to open up to each other. It still felt like we grew up together. I guess it helped that our family is very close knit. Even if we don't hear from each other, we hear of each other and everyone else in the family. Whenever we meet, it's like we never were apart.

And it's not just them, even Kathy and Yvonne who I did not meet until that visit after college. John, B-boy and Peachy who left for this side of the world in the 7th grade. In our family, there is just no holding back any love. It's great to have that...

My 31st birthday - Hanging off the calendar

I know it does not translate correctly. Where I come from, people say you're hanging off the calendar (sumasabit ka sa calendaryo) when you turn 31. It's the last digit you see on the calendar (and not all months end in 31). When you turn 32, you'll officially be off the calendar. Then you'll be old - or at least - not young. My grandmother would say we sould not complain since she wasn't even in the Bingo digits anymore (which go to 75). She lived to 82. Until then, she still denied being old. No one called her grandma. We all called her Nanay (mother).

Chemo Cycle 2 - Summary

It took me longer to recover from this cycle than the first. It felt a little worse as well. But that's expected since chemo stays in my body for a long time so now I've got 2 doses in me.

Wednesday and Thursday were the worst days. The worst of it being fatigue. This time the nausea was there. I was not retching but my tummy felt like it was upside down. Eating was more difficult this time. I was just not interested in food.

Friday, I was more comfortable on my feet. My head felt like it was screwed on properly but it still felt foreign. I really needed a bath this day. So I decided to buzz my hair. Kel was nice enough to do it for me. Burke was there watching (I didn't want to shock her so I wanted her there while it was being done). I didn't want to look in the mirror after. But I couldn't avoid it since we have a big mirror in the bathroom. It looks better than I expected. I look like an asian monk. Burke was laughing her head off - "Mom, you look like Dad. Can I call you Dad?".

By the end of the day, I was used to the buzz cut. I loved walking right after the bath. I could feel the wind in my scalp.

Saturday, I was still woozy. Maybe it's coz I sat on the couch all day. It sort of drains your strength and will to get up and do anything.

Sunday, I was still woozy. But this time, I had resolved to feel better. So we went to church at noon and we had lunch out. We never found a good Vietnamese place around where I lived so we drove about half an hour to one of our old favorite places - Pho Cyclo. Not only do they serve pho and those yummy summer rolls, they also have vermicelli toppings with barbecued meat piled high on it. Needless to say, we had a feast.

Then we went to a park near the house. That was the best part. We walked by the lake and browsed the shops. Then the wind started to blow and the sun hid behind the clouds so it got too chilly. We ducked into a latino market to get some coconut juice. At the counter, the lady was peeling unripe mango (for her and her friends to eat). I have not seen unripe mango eaten here in this country and you would not believe how my mouth watered at the site of the sour mango and the thought of dipping it in bagoong (shrimp paste - it's a pinoy thing). So, I bought the greenest magoes I found in the back. Unfortunately, they were too ripe already to be sour. Oh, well, at least I was feeling much better.